Question:

Hi.

I've read some of your answers and you clearly seem to be someone with much wisdom and knowledge of the word. That's why I'm trusting you with this.

I've been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for a little over a year now and we've visited each other three times now. We're planing on being together soon, and we both love each other and want to share our lives together. No doubts there.

We are both people of faith and I regret to say that the first time we were together we had sex. It was the first time for the both of us. Afterward, we decided to do what we should have done and wait until marriage.

However, two months ago she confessed with great regret and shame that she had had sex with two other people since the beginning of this year. It was hard, but we kept going. Her major reason was as an escape. Now she confessed that she has had sex again three times with the second person after we had talked. She deeply regrets it and is afraid to hurt me again and so is saying that we should just be friends until I get to her.

I love her and forgive her. I am horrified that I was probably the cause for her falling back into sin, since before, when she was asked in college for sex, she just said she was a virgin and that was that.

I know she is pushing me back is an act driven of fear. But should I give her space? I'm afraid she will do it again, even though it's been two months. I'm afraid her fears and uncertainties will cause her to end our relationship for good.

How can I be there for her? How can I encourage her faith -- in the Lord, in us?

Thank you so much for your time.


Answer:

People claim that love is blind, and you manage to illustrate this very well with your note. I talk to people all the time about their disappointments in their spouse; yet, as we talk it becomes very clear that their spouse has always exhibited the bad traits. They just assumed the other person would change once they were married. But if they don't change before marriage, when they are trying to impress the other person, why would they change after marriage?

You call yourself and your girlfriend "people of faith," but seeing the actions you exhibited, it leaves me wondering what you believe in. The religion of Christ demands that its followers avoid sin. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10). You fell to sin, I assume through weakness, but then picked yourself up and changed for the better. Your girlfriend became worse.

However, you are ignoring the warning signs. You seem to think that once you two are married, then everything will be all right. Why? One admirable trait in people is called prudence. Prudence is the ability of a person to think ahead, to foresee the consequences of one's choices. "A prudent man foresees evil and hides himself, but the simple pass on and are punished" (Proverbs 22:3).

Consider her reasoning for repeated sex: she calls it an escape. Escape from what? Boredom? She is bedding guys simply as a form of entertainment. Something is deeply wrong in her moral thinking. Even when she says she knows it is wrong, she continues to do it repeatedly.

I know you blame yourself for this shift in her behavior. While you were a factor, it doesn't explain the whole of her behavior. After all, you both went through the same sin; yet, you both came away with widely different attitudes.

You want to be the knight in shining armor to swoop in and rescue the damsel in distress. But in this case, the distress is of her own making and you want to rescue a girl from herself. It is something you can't do. You can teach her, you can encourage her, but only she can change herself.

Your girlfriend needs help to get back on the straight and narrow path. Her soul is in jeopardy because of her immoral behavior. I hope you can persuade her to leave this lifestyle she is embracing. But until she changes, you are going to have to stop considering her as your future wife. I know that is a hard pill to swallow. People do change, but until she does change, you have to assume that this behavior is going to continue. Marriage is certainly not going to put an end to it. It is time for you to act with prudence.

Thank you so much for that perspective.

Love is indeed blind, as it should be, for to love is to give love and not to expect anything from it. Naturally there are nuances that can't be expressed by what I wrote. For example, she didn't do it to escape boredom or entertainment. Nevertheless, I will hold what you said very close to mind, as I help her to remain on the narrow path that she has been walking on for two months now. Our relationship does take second place to that.

Thank you

Sigh!

"Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying: "Whom shall I send, And who will go for Us?" Then I said, "Here am I! Send me." And He said, "Go, and tell this people: 'Keep on hearing, but do not understand; Keep on seeing, but do not perceive.' Make the heart of this people dull, And their ears heavy, And shut their eyes; Lest they see with their eyes, And hear with their ears, And understand with their heart, And return and be healed." Then I said, "Lord, how long?" And He answered: "Until the cities are laid waste and without inhabitant, The houses are without a man, The land is utterly desolate" (Isaiah 6:9-11).