Question:

Hi,

I'm a Christian and I'm married, but my husband doesn't love me. He ignores me, he verbally abuses me, and does not like to make love before sex, so I'm always bruised and in pain afterward. He says if he shows me love he will have to show love outside too. My guess is that he has other partners outside, so if he gets into the habit of showing love, then he might fall in love with those women outside, and that would be problem for him. He is also a Christian.

He judges and punishes me for cheating if someone tells him they saw me talk to a guy. After a while I started masturbating to satisfy myself because I only had pain when we had sex as there is no love involved. Then it got worse. I started lusting after other men in search of the love I wanted from my husband. Then I was having sex with multiple guys until one of the guys said he sees that I'm hurting and wants me to work on my marriage. He was so selfless and loving that I fell in love with him because he loved me with respect, and he was so honest. Even when he knew that I knew he was in love with me, he just tried his best to protect me and encouraged me to fix the marriage, but my husband didn't listen to me when I tried talking to him telling him how i felt. I ask to be loved by him, but he made all sorts of excuses. I ended up falling so in love with other guy. I forced him to have sex with me and know I love him too much. I feel useless without him.

I lost all the love I had for my husband, so I applied for a divorce because I know I cannot resist that other guy. If I stay in the marriage, I will continue to fornicate. The guy does not encourage me to push the divorce. He encourages me to pray and do what's best for me. I can't help the love I have for him. Will I be able to marry him after I get divorced or will we both have to stay single? I can't promise i won't lust after him, and he will also lust after me. I need help.


Answer:

Yes, all of you need help. Just because a person calls himself a Christian, it doesn't make him one. All three of you: your husband, you, and this other man are involved in adultery. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10). Sinning and being a Christian are too incompatible states (II Corinthians 6:14-7:1).

If you go through with this divorce, it does not give you the right to remarry because you are committing adultery and you are divorcing in order to be with your lover. Your husband's adultery is merely means you used to excuse your own infidelity.

Before you have the right to complain about your husband, you need to first straighten out your own life. "Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye'; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye" (Matthew 7:1-5).

What you have to do is make a radical change in both your attitude toward sex outside of marriage and your behavior as well. You also have a warped view about what love is. You seem to have the idea that love is sex. Read through Love Is ... and see that love is a choice that you make regarding how you are going to treat another person, regardless of their own behavior.