Question:

Hi,

I found this web site extremely helpful when I was looking for people with the same problem with a girlfriend's past as I did.

I apologize in advance for writing a lot. Here is my story:

My cousin is quite a bit older than I am. She had a baby with her ex-boyfriend. I had never met her before in my life and my family rarely mentioned her. When we met, I admired her beauty. As I talked to her, we found out that we had so much in common. I spent several days hanging out with her. After she went back to her home, I missed her so much but thought it was wrong, so I did not contact her. However, I broke up with my girlfriend at that time feeling that she could not be the one. A day later, my cousin contacted me, we started talking and texting, and we just clicked like the missing pieces of our lives' puzzle.

I while I was on vacation, she kept on emailing me every day and calling me every other day. I was really sweet to her: first, because I'm the nice guy type; second, I have never met any girl who fits me so well. I admitted that I liked her shortly after we started talking; she said she had the same feeling, too. We thought it was wrong, so I decided to just let it go and be friends. However, we still kept in touch, and I fell back for her when I returned to school. We could communicate really well, talked for hours every week. Later on I realize I was just infatuated. My best friend warned me, but I did not listen to him and claimed that I truly love her.

Happiness lasted for several months before I gradually found out about her past. She lied to me at first about the number of her partners. Eventually, I demanded the truth and she confessed that she's had a number of boyfriends, which she had sex with all of them. The first one was the best boyfriend, nice to her, but she broke up with him because they could not communicate according to her. After that, she went to another country, got a fake marriage, and got forced into sex by that guy. Her excuse is that she had little feelings for him. After that, she had several more boyfriends and had sex with all of them. Some were people she knew, but one she only met during a trip and called him. Then she met this guy in a chat session and ran away from home to live with that guy. Her excuse is that she was having family conflict and the guy paid for her ticket and shelter. After a few months, they mutually broke up. One night, in her ex-boyfriend's apartment, she took off her shirt to show her breast to his best friend in the living room because he said he had never seen a woman's boobs before. I found out about this through him. She was older than him, and he was inexperienced, like me. She enlisted in the military but could not stand it, so she suggested that a guy impregnate her, and they had a baby together. He went to live with her family for a year and then she met me. She then broke up with that guy after she met me. I initially accepted her and the fact that she's had a baby just because I thought she only had two sexual partners in her life.

However, we continued to talk for a few more months. I had hard feelings ever since and could not focus well in school. She came to my town during a holiday. We had sex in a hotel without my family knowing. I initially did not want sex but thought losing my virginity might help with the hard feelings. It turns out it never helped. Our family found out about us and kept me away from her. I was very heartbroken to break up with her. However, we went back and forth, I have broken up with her like twenty times but always went back for some reason -- probably the sex. She came here two more times since. We found out that she's pregnant with my baby a few months ago. Our relationship got worse. I started insulting her.

She says she really loves me and wants to settle down with me only. She allows me to date and have sex with other girls while she's waiting for me, but I could not focus at school so currently I'm blocking her number (we both agreed on this). In the week before I block her number, I didn't talk to her, so she was upset and hung out with this guy friend she's had for a long while, even in his room watching a movie alone together. He confessed that he had a crush on her a number of years and is willing to take care of her and the two babies. She told me she would not go for it because she does not love him. I did not believe her based on what she has done in the past. Up until today, I have not talked or texted her for number of days. I plan to resume contact when she's in labor and check if she really has changed without me around.

My questions are:

Do you think that she is telling the truth, that she has changed, and will stay faithful to me as she has claimed? I don't mind about the cousin thing, I broke up because I don't accept her past.

Should I be there when she's in labor and resume in contact with her if she really has changed?

I feel manipulated. Do you think leaving her alone at this time of pregnancy is immoral of me?

Thank you so much.

God bless you.


Answer:

You and I need to have a long talk because you've set off in the wrong direction and don't seem to know it.

Motivations

When answering people's questions I try to look at the motivations of the people involved. I understand yours. You had an attractive older woman chasing after you and you found it to be a stimulating ego boost. You knew it was wrong, but that just made it more attractive. "Stolen water is sweet; and bread eaten in secret is pleasant" (Proverbs 9:17). While you said you didn't want to have sex, but I suspect that one reason you stayed with her is because you knew she was willing to have sex without marriage. My guess is that it didn't take much effort on her part to get you out of your clothes and into her bed. And you justified it to yourself that it would make the relationship better, but I think you were lying to yourself. If I understand the time line correctly, you didn't jump into bed with her until after you found out that she had many sex partners. Whether you want to admit it or not, you knew what you were getting into -- though you weren't thinking about having a baby.

Another aspect is built into men is a desire to a hero. We want to be the knight in shining armor rescuing the damsel in distress. This too plays on your emotions. You see a woman making a mess of her life by jumping from man to man. She says she can settle down with you, and so your ego is stroked and you feel like you are more of a man than all the other guys. Meanwhile, you never notice that you follow the same pattern of behavior all the other guys took before and after you.

Her side is different and harder to understand. We have an older woman seducing a significantly younger man. She has shown no inclination of being tied down with anyone, so why you? Oh, I know you say it is because you two got along so well, but I also know your head was in the clouds. What advantage does she gain marrying a young man who is still in college and doesn't have the means to support a family yet?

Notice also that the sex started when you were getting ready to break up with her. She was trying to tie you down through sex and I suspect she timed things so that pregnancy was likely. Would my guess be right that her three visits were roughly a month apart?

Therefore, it is clear she wants you to marry her, but generally older women want a younger man for two reasons: because it flatters her ego that she is still "hot" and because she can manipulate a younger man more easily. Yet it appears she has no problem bedding men. My best guess is that she is looking for a cover situation: she can be "married," have someone care for her kids, but she still can have affairs on the side. That would also explain why she is encouraging you to have sex with other women as well. You see, a woman who wants to marry a man would be possessive, yet she is trying to get you to accept a viewpoint of free sex even while "committed."

Things just don't add up right from the motivation standpoint. The more I think about it, I wonder if you are from a wealthy family.

Has she changed? Not hardly. Will she change? It is unlikely unless she has a reason, and I don't see one. She's already been with another guy since you got her pregnant, and she used the same sympathy card with him -- that he can rescue her and her two children.

Behaviors

I can't talk to her, but I do have your ears for a moment, so let's talk about your behavior. I take it from the ending of your letter that you see yourself as religious, or perhaps as a Christian, at least on some level. I'm saddened that someone who respects God thinks he can go around committing fornication with multiple women. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10). God declared that sex outside of marriage is a sin, and He did so for very good reasons. I would like you to take a moment to read Why Sex Outside of Marriage is Wrong and Marriage's Glue.

Think about it this way. You brought a child into this world through your sin. The child's mother is an immoral woman who never stays long with any guy. What kind of life is your child going to live?

You wonder about the immorallity of cutting off communication with the woman who seduced you. When the real immorality took place when you dropped your pants. The best advice is the one Solomon gave:

"My son, pay attention to my wisdom; lend your ear to my understanding, that you may preserve discretion, and your lips may keep knowledge. For the lips of an immoral woman drip honey, and her mouth is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet go down to death, Her steps lay hold of hell. Lest you ponder her path of life - her ways are unstable; you do not know them. Therefore hear me now, my children, and do not depart from the words of my mouth. Remove your way far from her, and do not go near the door of her house, lest you give your honor to others, and your years to the cruel one; lest aliens be filled with your wealth, and your labors go to the house of a foreigner; and you mourn at last, when your flesh and your body are consumed, and say: "How I have hated instruction, and my heart despised correction! I have not obeyed the voice of my teachers, nor inclined my ear to those who instructed me!" (Proverbs 5:1-13).

Where to Go From Here

You're responsible for the child, regardless of what else happens. No one forced you into having sex with this woman. You had control of the situation. Therefore, it is now time to be a real man and accept responsibility for your actions. In most states you have no rights to your child until you establish paternity -- where you sign a paper acknowledging that you are the child's father. Without that paper you have no say over what happens to your child and you have no legal reason to visit your child. But with the signing, you also accept financial responsibility for your child. Since she is known to have multiple sex partners, I would suggest that you request a DNA test first before signing any papers, but if the test does confirm you are the father, then you need to step up to your responsibilities. This is, after all, the consequence of your sin. I'm just hoping you haven't gotten any other woman pregnant.

If you can, I would suggest trying to get custody of your child. I don't think the mother will ever settle down. I don't suggest marrying this woman. One reason is that I don't know if she has the right to marry. She mentioned having a "fake marriage" in another country. How do you know it was fake -- beyond her word, which is suspect? Nor is there any indication that she anything else but a woman who likes to have sex with guys. Marriage is not going to make a woman like this settle down.

But most important of all is that you need to face the fact that you have sinned against God and you need to make things right with Him.