Question:

I have been married to my husband for about ten years. Over the last year or so I lost my way in life and in our marriage. I had multiple affairs, and my husband found out about one of them. Over the course of a few months I lied to him and tried to cover up the other affairs I had during that time. Finally after spending several days in a row with him asking me about it and just wouldn’t leave me alone about it, I came clean on all of it, down to the dirty details because he wanted to know everything -- asking me very intimate questions. Let me say that before all of this I dealt with his pornography addiction and sometimes drinking quite a bit and staying out with friends late. I let my anger build up over a period of years, and then I did the unthinkable looking for attention I guess.

Now he believes that I am still keeping information from him about the affairs. I am adamant that I am not, but, of course, due to my previous months of lying he truly does not believe me at this point. We have good days and bad days, and I am doing everything that he has asked to help get us through this and to help his pain subside. I have been re-born, repented, and received forgiveness from the Lord. I am walking the straight and narrow now, but he doesn’t see that. Once in awhile he will laugh about the idea that he thinks we should have a threesome so that he can fulfill his sexual frustration that has been pent up for years, hence the porn addiction. I am against this idea even though I did wrong and broke our vows. What would you say to someone in my position regarding my husband and his request?


Answer:

You said you've given up sin and are walking the straight and narrow. There should not even be a question about what you should do. "My son, if sinners entice you, do not consent" (Proverbs 1:10). Your husband is taking about both of you committing adultery together. Sin is never the solution for sin. "And why not say, "Let us do evil that good may come"? --as we are slanderously reported and as some affirm that we say. Their condemnation is just" (Romans 3:8).

Rather think of this as a test to see that you really mean what you claim. If you want to win your husband's trust that you've given up adultery, then you have to show steadfastness in not agreeing to adultery under any circumstances.

Thank you for responding.

We had a very bad night last night and now he is very insistent that I am still lying about the affairs that I had. He is using things, such as body language, an eye twitch that I get when I am stressed, and my words, to use against me in saying that I am lying. He keeps telling me that God hates liars, which I know now that I have come to God, and that he hopes I burn in hell if I am lying, and he knows that I am.

I begged and pleaded with him last night until the wee hours of the morning. I am so lost about my marriage, and what I can do to help show him that with time he can trust me again. But he says until I get the look of lying off of my face that he cannot even think about healing himself and our marriage. He gave me his ring last night and left but came back only to keep up the same fighting and use of wrong words again. As of this morning he is still saying the same and I am assuming that he will be leaving me this weekend for good.

I have been acting childish in my ways of crying, pleading, going crazy in general with thoughts of him leaving. I told him this morning that I have to act like the grown woman I am and pay the consequences of my sins with him. If that means letting him leave then that is what I have to do. Am I doing the right thing because I cannot live this way anymore, and he is starting to go crazy with thoughts of me lying to him when I am not?

Please guide me as to what God would want. I know he wants the marriage and he wants us to work things out but if my husband cannot get over these thoughts of me lying then I know it will never work.

I find it annoying when people who live unrighteously try to use God's Word as a weapon. They don't see that they condemn themselves because if it applies to others, then applies to them as well.

What your husband chooses will have to be his choice. Neither you nor I can make him do the right thing, we can only be encouraging. What I strongly suggest is that you find a good Christian marriage counselor in your area. If he wants the marriage to work, then he'll be willing to put in the effort to solve the problems. It will take time to repair the damage, but it is worth the effort.