Question:

Hello,

I have a question: Is it wrong for a couple not married to stay under the same roof who will not be sexually active? To be truthful, my girl has nowhere to go, besides the fact that we both want to be together, that is a main factor to why we are under the same roof. We are planning to get married as well, but I just wanted to know.


Answer:

There are several factors you to consider that I think you are glossing over. For the purpose of this discussion, I'm assuming that it would be just the two of you living together and not the case of her having a room in say your parent's house (though there can be issues there as well).

First, while it is your intention not to have sex you are dramatically increasing the temptation and opportunity to do just that. You have to face the fact that you are interested in her, which means your sexual desire is going to want to fulfill its design. You know you aren't married yet, but your body's instincts don't take that into account. "Can a man take fire to his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Can one walk on hot coals, and his feet not be seared?" (Proverbs 6:27-28). Fire doesn't care that you are just trying to be nice, it will burn anyway. Hot coals don't consider the fact that you didn't mean to walk on them, they will burn anyway. The point is that the same thing happens in regards to sex. Your intentions mean nothing to how you were designed. Thus, when you do slip up you won't be able to claim innocence. "So is he who goes in to his neighbor's wife; whoever touches her shall not be innocent" (Proverbs 6:29).

Second, there is the problem of reputation. Paul insisted that others carry a gift he had raised because he wanted to provide "honorable things, not only in the sight of the Lord, but also in the sight of men" (II Corinthians 8:21). Few knowing of the situation would really believe that you were not having sex; mostly because they will assume that you are just like them and they would not be restraining themselves. And remember, it isn't just your honor that is being degraded, it is hers as well.

Imagine for a moment that there is a man a few years younger than you who tells you that he plans to live with his girlfriend for a few years before deciding if he is going to marry her. He isn't as principled as you. He expects to have his girlfriend in his bed. How are you going to tell him that it is wrong while he looks at you knowing that you are living with your girlfriend?

"Planning to get married" eventually becomes an excuse. It can't hurt to have sex right now because after all we plan to get married. The problem is that it is still fornication.

So why don't you do the honorable thing? If you are serious about her, marry her first, then bring her into your home.

Thank you for the information. I agree with you 100%. Let me clear up somethings. We've been living together for several years with no sex. I've already purposed to her and have a date to get married.

I would like to ask another question and believe me when I say I'm not looking for a way around what you have explained. You were talking about sexual desires will increase because she's living with me. Even though I'm not doing the action, what's the difference between a man who has an affectionate desire for a woman who doesn't live with him and doesn't have sex compared to the one who he lives with and doesn't have sex with? Am I wrong either way it goes because of my thoughts and temptations?

You've also spoke about my reputation with men, which I also understand. I've realized as well people are going to think the way they want to think regardless of what the truth is. I can be married and people will think I cheat on my wife just because they do, or they think I'm like them. I understand having respect from my fellow man is very important, especially to those who look up to me, so I shouldn't set a bad example.

Yes, the temptation to sin sexually is present when a couple is dating but not living together. The fact that many have fallen to this temptation shows it isn't something to be dismissed. But matters esculate when a couple is living together. One, there is no real break from the temptation since you are with each other more hours of the day. Two, the privacy of the situation adds the excuse of "no one will know." When dating a couple can make it a policy not to be privately with each other. You can't do that when you are living together.

Yes, people will at times think as they please, but why should you or I give them ammunition to use against us?

I'm glad you are getting married, but it would have been better to have done so from the beginning.