Question:

The guy that I love got his ex-girlfriend of seven yearspregnant. It's a very complicated story. The guy's family were close to the girl's family. His family didn't know I existed. They only knew about me when the guy made his decision to marry me instead of his pregnant ex-girlfriend. He wanted to break up with her even before she got pregnant and be with me but the girl always threaten him that she would commit suicide if the guy left her.

I broke up with him with I found out about the pregnancy, but my love for him shouts my head and my heart every time. I feel so guilty and selfish if we will continue our relationship. What should I do?


Answer:

You've been dating a guy who has been having sex with another woman at the same time. At the same time he has been living a double life, hiding his relationship with you from the rest of his family. Now that he managed to get one of you two pregnant, he wants to abandon his child.

It doesn't seem complicated to me. The guy is a two-timing cad.

Oh, but don't let facts get in your way. You have so little respect for yourself that you rather have a cad who will make your life miserable ... because you are in "love." He is dishonorable, dishonest, sinful, and irresponsible. But you have the romantic and foolish notion that you can make something of him.

My dear, you are full of emotions about this guy, but you aren't in love. Love is a choice, not an emotion. People who chose to be in love have lots of emotions as a result, but the emotions isn't the love. For details see "Love Is ..."

You should be thankful that you found out about his character now, before you married him. Go find yourself a real man and stop playing around with broken boys.

Thank you for the reply. It opened my mind to some things I did not see.

I still am confused right now. He's the only man in my life. I got pregnant before his ex-girlfriend got pregnant. The baby had to be removed because it was a tubal pregnancy. He supported me financially, but we hid everything from people.

I broke up with him because I can't take the pain anymore, but there were some things he did that made me convince he was in love with me, so I kept on seeing him. I did my best to understand him. I gave him time, let him go out of country to work. He promised to me he would break up with that girl when he will arrived in the other country. I believed and trusted him because we were just both afraid the girl would commit suicide if he broke up with her.

A week before he left, I found out that the girl moved into his house. I called him, but he had changed his number and didn't want to be contacted because he was afraid the girl would find out. I attempted to commit suicide. His cousin informed him of what I did. I swear I regretted what I did. I know it was a big sin, and I am so guilt ridden over it. I keep asking God to forgive me. He came to talk to me. But no matter how I begged him, he still chose to go back to their house where the girl was waiting. I don't know his reasons but whatever it was it wasn't enough to behave like that toward me.

When he arrived in the other country he still wanted to contact me. I didn't gave him any chance. After two weeks, I found out that the girl was pregnant, and now he realized that I was the one he truly loved. He let all the people who are close to us know about us, his feelings for me, and his decisions. His parents disagreed. He has done a lot of things to prove to me that he truly loves me and he has changed. I still love him, but I don't like this kind of relationship where many people disagree. Recently, we confessed about my unsuccessful pregnancy to our parents. Whatever makes me happy, and whatever my decision is, I know my parents will still support me. I wanted to go back to him, and I'm still willing to give him a chance, but I pity the baby and the girl he got pregnant. He said he will support the child and be the best father he can. But I don't know if how long I can take that. I know that it will hurt me and my future kids. It doesn't matter whatever the girl's background is. I care more for the baby. I don't want my kids to be like that. Will I take a gamble?

You've said nothing to prove that this boy is worth your time. He has been having sex with two different girls at the same time, hiding one from the other. He kept you from contacting her with fears of her committing suicide. He kept her from finding out about you by changing his phone number. He had her move in with him, without marriage, got her pregnant, and now wants to dump her. He's made his bed, let him lie in it.

I can't stop you from your foolish whims. If you wish to live in a fantasy and not see the truth, I can't change your mind. "And for this reason God will send them strong delusion, that they should believe the lie, that they all may be condemned who did not believe the truth but had pleasure in unrighteousness" (II Thessalonians 2:11-12). People don't change their character without reason. There is nothing here to indicate that he really has changed. And without dramatic change he will continue to repeat this type of behavior the rest of his life.

Rather than pinning over this good for nothing conman, you need to focus on straightening out your life. You've been committing numerous sins, such as fornication and attempted suicide. You need to get yourself right with God and stay right with him. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God" (I Corinthians 6:9-11). See What Must I Do to be Saved? for more details.

When you can see the world through the lense of righteousness, then you will be in better shape to find a good husband.