I have a very difficult time believing that God loves me and that He's not distant and wanting to punish me. I'm desperate for Him to change me into someone who truly lives as His child. I can't do it on my own and I need Him, but I'm scared that He doesn't love me. I had a great relationship going with God about a year ago, but a few months ago, I was going through a rough night dealing with major depression, and I literally lost all hope that night. I was crying in hysteria and yelled out that God didn't love me, that He didn't have a plan for me, and that I just wanted to die (I may even have said that He wasn't good, I don't remember that part for sure though). Right after the word "die" left my mouth, the power went out in my house, all the lights shut off, and I was left in total darkness. I immediately trembled in fear and became even more hysteria, thinking that God was punishing me.
I have tried to repent and follow God since then, but I still sin in bad ways. For instance, I also have an anxiety disorder, and I worry to the point that I yell at those around me if they can't help me through something because I'm so desperate. I overeat sometimes too and many times I have a hard time believing that God has a good plan for my life.
I feel like since that night when the power went out that my relationship with God has not been the same. I used to feel so close to God, I would hear His voice (spiritually), feel comforted by Him, receive visions, and experience His love. But now, I feel like I am trying to push myself toward Him, but He seems so far away. It doesn't feel like I'm in a relationship with Him anymore, it feels like I'm just scared of Him, trying to please Him, always failing in huge ways, and thinking that I'm not a part of His kingdom anymore. I struggle with doubt about whether I will get to heaven, even though I believe that Jesus died for my sins. Somehow, it's just hard for me to believe that I could spit in God's face so much and still get into heaven. Especially when I remember that night. Could I have blasphemed the Holy Spirit and now lost God's love entirely?
Please, I beg you. I'm scared. I don't want to live without God here or in the eternal life. I need Him and I want to love Him and know Him more. Please pray for me - I hope He will still accept prayer about me after all I've done to Him. Please give me some input here. And thank you so much for your web site and for your help.
Sorry you are having so much trouble. First off, you need to understand that God loves all of His creation. God is love. "He who does not love does not know God, for God is love" (I John 4:8). Keep in mind that God wants everyone to be saved (including you). "The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that ANY should perish but that all should come to repentance" (I Peter 3:9). It does not please God when the wicked die. "For I have no pleasure in the death of one who dies says the Lord God. Therefore turn (repent) and live" (Ezekiel 18:32).
There is no need to be overly worried or anxious about most things in this life. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God" (Philippians 4:6).
"Therefore I say to you do not worry about your life; what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which one of you by worrying can add one inch to his stature? So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they growl they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field which today is and tomorrow is thrown into the oven; will He much more clothe you O you of little faith? Therefore do not worry saying what shall we eat? or What shall we drink? or What shall we wear? For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble" (Matthew 6:25-34).
You need to forget about the past and look to God as your future. If you have confessed your sin to God and repented of it, God is willing and able to forgive you. "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (I John 1:9). You need to learn to forgive yourself and move on. Be sure to keep God foremost in your life and He will help you resist all temptations. "Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands you sinners and purify your hearts you double minded. Lament and mourn and weep. Let you laughter be turned to mourning and you joy to gloom. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord and He will lift you up" (James 4:7-10).
May you feel the love of God in you life again, and I hope this has helped you.
Thank you so much for your response! It really means so much to me that you took the time to help me. I will meditate on the passages that you have pointed out to me, continue to pray and follow God. Thank you again so much! God bless you!