Question:

I took a quick prayer before asking this, since I am quite nervous. I personally believe my situation is as complicated as it can get, but I am really hoping you can help me out. To begin with, I fornicated. I sinned against God and every time I remember, I just feel horrible. I know and understand that He has forgiven me, but it still brings a heartache to remember what I did.

The guy is a Christian, the son of a pastor in fact, and I can say that he loves God with all his heart. I met him a few years ago in college. Back then I was a worldly person, but he showed me the ways of the Lord and little by little I left the world and fell in love with God, and also with him. He was about to ask me to be his girlfriend, but before that he asked me if I was a virgin, and in my past I had sinned and I was not pure. I thought it was best for me to be honest, so I told him the truth; I admitted I wasn't. He, as a very jealous person, said he couldn't live with it. I prayed to God day after day to please let him forgive me and let go of what I had done in the past, but he didn't seem to. Then I started to feel rejected. Had God really not forgiven me and turned me into a new person? I felt like trash. Eventually I grew furious and, though I know it was highly immature of my part to act on anger, I started dating other guys just so I could feel there was nothing wrong with me. But I discovered that I couldn't really love anyone else.

When he found out I was dating other guys, he confessed that he loved me all along, but he was waiting to see if I truly loved him. I felt even worse. I know I messed up. If I could turn back time and fix things, I would, but I know only God can. I only mess things up. After that he said he lost all love for me as a girl and only loves me as a sister in Christ. But every time I saw him I just could see joy in his eyes for seeing me. We continued studying the word of God together, and he eventually became my best friend here on earth.

After about a year of being just brother and sister, this happened. We had sex. I gave in because I love him, though I know that is not an excuse. It happened so suddenly -- without thinking. On my part, I would love for him to be my husband, but he says he does not love me that way anymore. But then why did he do it? He must feel something for me still, right? Is he denying it to himself? Love is never supposed to die. Do you think we should marry or never see each other again?

Thank you so much in advance for taking your time to read this.


Answer:

At the root of your story are the classic mistakes young women make in dealing with men. It isn't complicated; it is sad to hear another repetition of it.

You put a lot of trust in this young man because you assumed that someone claiming to be a Christian, the son of a preacher, who appears devoted to Christ, and who lead you to Christ must be a good man. Yet, I note that showed disdain for someone who made sexual mistakes in the past. That reminds me of the Pharisee who prayed, "God, I thank You that I am not like other men --extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I possess" (Luke 18:11-12). If you had truly become a Christian, your sins were washed away when you were baptized (Acts 22:16). To hold a persons past, prior to becoming a Christian, against them is sinful. A Christian's job is to uplift others, not make them feel like trash. "Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear" (Ephesians 4:29).

Even though he turned you down, he was displayed jealousy. "Let us behave properly as in the day, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual promiscuity and sensuality, not in strife and jealousy" (Romans 13:13). Jealousy is a sin when a person claims to hold on to something that doesn't belong to him. But rather than face his fault, he twisted it to put the blame on you because you dated other guys after he turned you down. Young women as a whole tend to have little confidence about themselves, so when a man they love degrades them, it almost feels like confirmation of what they always suspected -- even when it is completely false.

He lost interest in you as a potential spouse, but he maintained his relationship with you as a brother in Christ. Yet, he did not treat you as a sister. Paul told Timothy to treat "the younger women as sisters, in all purity" (I Timothy 5:2).

You said sex happened suddenly. I beg to differ. It was building up to that moment for quite a while. Experience tells me that you two were not behaving as brother and sister and were engaged is conduct unbecoming of Christians. "Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman" (I Corinthians 7:1). I suspect you skipped over this because you had hopes that he was becoming attached to you. This is another common mistake by young woman. Sexual attraction to a woman is found in the relationship. You were attracted to him, so you assumed that he was attracted to you in more than just an sexual way. Even though he said he wasn't interested in marrying you, you assumed that he wasn't really telling the truth. Women have a tendency to read more into conversations than another actually says. Thus, they mislead themselves when a guy says exactly what he meant.

Eventually things went too far. You didn't intend for this to happen, so that is why it felt like it was sudden. Perhaps he went too far in his lust as well -- I don't know since I haven't talked to him. However, it didn't escape my notice that he was the aggressor in this act -- you mentioned that you gave in to him. To a woman, the act of sex is a commitment. It is an outgrowth of love for a man. But to many men sex is an act that is done. Feelings of love is not a part of the equation for a man in order to have sex. That is why you are confused by his response. He goes on as if little happened, and you are so certain that love has to be there because it was for you. You are willing to think that he is lying to himself, when he is probably stating the truth.

I suspect that given his past behavior, he blames you for tempting him. While he might claim to have repented of his sin, he hasn't apologized to you, nor has he shown any behavior that says he regrets what he did.

Marry him? I should hope not; at least, not until he grows up and becomes a Christian man instead of a worldly boy. He has treated you disrespectfully and makes you think that it is all your fault. That is not the makings of a good husband.

I've said all this not to excuse what you did, but to make you see that you had been used for boy's personal gratification. I'm happy that you see your responsibility and turned from your sin. But you need to find a place to worship where the people actually love Jesus, not just in word but in actual practice. As Jesus said, "If you love Me, you will keep My commandments" (John 14:15). My dear, he's not good enough for you.

"Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Therefore by their fruits you will know them" (Matthew 7:15-20).

"For of this sort are those who creep into households and make captives of gullible women loaded down with sins, led away by various lusts, always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth" (II Timothy 3:6-7).

Thank you so very much for responding me. Your words have made me realize so many things. However, I must point out that he did apologize to me. He did accept that he sinned and he is not blaming me; in fact, he says he was the one who instigated the whole act. Thank you so much. May God bless you with many more years so you can keep helping through Christ people like me.

That is good to hear because his behavior pattern before would indicate differently. But still, he has a lot of growing up to do before I would recommend considering him as a husband.