Question:

I need some advice about my situation.

There is a lot that has happened, but I'm going to try to summarize to keep it short.

Several years ago I had sex with a girl who was barely married a few months before to a guy (I'll call him "J"). We kept on in it, forming a relationship and stayed together. Eventually it came out openly what was going on. The girl (I'll call her "B") and her husband pretty much separated and later divorced. About the same time "B" became pregnant by me and my health started to get bad.

Having a Christian background growing up, I never felt right about sleeping with her because it was adultery, but I was lost, looking for answers and the truth for about a decade, so I had slept with her because I wanted to know what was real and what was not. It was always in the back of my mind.

Anyway, about a year later, I suddenly felt hit hard with conviction that what I did was wrong, and that we couldn't and shouldn't be together, even though we had a child and had feelings for each other. I ended up becoming extremely grieved and started studying the topic of marriage, divorce, and adultery in the Bible for a few weeks, and came to the conclusion that we can't be together because she is still bound to her ex-husband. During this time we contacted him to apologize and to ask him if he was willing to reconcile with "B". He didn't want to talk to me. He told her that she should think about what's good for her kid now, and that the Bible permits us being together, which I disagreed with. So, I decided we were both going to be physically present taking care of our kid, but we could not be intimate (no sex, kissing, etc.). That we had to be platonic with each other and not romantic. So we tried to stop having sex, but it was hard, and we failed many times. But I was striving to act in line with my conclusions.

My health got really bad. I probably came near death several times, and doctors were not able to diagnose what was wrong with me or help me. I was completely housebound, and bedridden many times.

We started talking about working out a parenting plan of some sort.

More recently, my health started improving and got to the point where I could go out again sometimes and have a life. I ended up falling back to square one with "B", having sex with her, etc., even though I still felt it was wrong inside. Throughout the year I got really deep into sexual sins. Sleeping around with different girls, trying to use them in some ways, I even started breaking into homosexuality, etc.

Soon my health started getting bad again. I pretty much tried to rebel completely against God or any spirituality by denying all these things unless I've seen them first hand. I was hanging out a lot with an athiest who was also heavily into sexual sins. I started going out less because my health was getting bad enough to keep me housebound some days.

I started looking again into occultism. because I was looking for a way out of sickness. I say "again" because in my search for truth earlier, the occult and other false garbage was some of the areas I looked for answers in. Eventually I was stuck at home again due to bad health. The last time I went out for fun about a year ago. "B" and I were still together.

This year my health became worse than ever. I was in the emergency room many times, as when I first was getting sick. Again the doctors proved useless.

In my immortality and occultism "study," one author suggested reading the Gospel of John. So I started reading it. Around this time I realized that the only person who could save me and heal me is God. There were times where I felt like I was in the process of dying, and I realized no person in the world, or all the money in the world, or anything in the world could help me. The only person who could help me in those circumstances was God. I decided to read through the whole Bible, throwing out everything I've heard or thought I knew about it, and just see what it says.

After a couple of weeks I found myself having faith in Jesus and in the Word. I recommitted to abstaining from romantic intimacy with "B", and I started trying to do what Jesus said. I felt like I finally found the Truth.

My health continued to get worse. I felt like I was on my way out, and I started feeling like I needed to be baptized, so I prayed for God to make a way and strengthen me to get it done before I die. And He did. I was baptized in a swimming pool, and suprisingly had more strength that day than in previous months.

The next few weeks after I got baptized, everything got bad. Some outlets in my house burnt out, the air conditioning broke, the refrigerator broke, and "B" got kicked out of her house. I said she could stay with me at my house. I live with my mother, and have zero income because I haven't been diagnosed, so I am supposedly not disabled. My mother works, and my dad died years ago, so it is just us. "B" lived with her Dad, but as I mentioned he kicked her out, so she lives here with me. Before "B" was kicked out, she was here a lot anyway because she has pretty much been my caretaker. I am too sick to do certain things for myself, like make food or wash dishes. Some days I can barely walk, and my diet is extremely limited. I usually need someone around in case I collapse. My kid lives here with me too now, but I can't really take care of him. Right now "B" is attending some classes at college, but only a few times a week so she could be here and take care of my son and me when I need help. She gets money from college state aid and sometimes cleans houses.

I've just been reading through the Bible, learning more, trying to grow in the faith, and I've been learning a lot on the topic of healing because I am seeking complete healing from God. It has been extremely difficult at times in many ways with many things, but I believe Jesus is the truth and the Bible has the truth written in it. I don't plan on going apostate. Who else can I turn to? Only God can help me. I have been progressively better about following through with abstaining from adultery with "B," although the temptation is still there sometimes, and I have failed in some ways, which is crazy actually because I have been too sick to have sex for months, but our sexual drives are sometimes still there regardless. There is no excuse though.

Anyways, I have some questions.

"B" seems to be the only person who is available to help take care of me readily, until my mom gets back from work. "B" also helps out financially with my mom at times, which is good because my mom has been in debt ever since my dad died and money is always tight. I do need to see my kid, which is another benefit of "B" living here.

But I wonder, are we married somehow, having been together for this whole time, having a kid together, and now having her in my household? We tell people we are not married to each other, but sometimes people think we are.

Are we still in adultery the way we're living right now? Her helping me out like a caretaker, being around here with my son, living here, even if we're not having sex, and trying to keep things platonic?

As far as I understand, she cannot marry anyone and has to stay single until her husband (who is remarried now with a kid too) either takes her back or dies, then she is free. I am free to get married (provided my illness allows; marriage isn't a focus right now though), having never been married. Is that right?

About her husband, I am not too sure if he's correct in being remarried right now though. During my adultery with "B", her husband "J" was also having some kind of affair, although we don't know if he was having sex with the other girl. I'm am not trying to justify my actions at all by mentioning this. Just an observation. What do you think?

Sexual sin is my weak point.

By the way, my intentions are: I want to get well, and go out and start evangelizing, get into the ministry, etc. I am pretty sure that's what I want primarily to do with my life. If I was well, I wouldn't need "B" around as a caretaker, and I could help her, financially even, to eventually move out and find her own place. I'd be able to take care of my son as I should. Her plan is to eventually move out, but money is an issue, and my health is an issue.

Recently I've begun reading the Bible to "B" and my son. "B" is not a believer, but she needs to hear the Word, and so does my son. We all need to hear it, because we all need help from God.

What is your advice concerning my whole situation?


Answer:

"And why not say, "Let us do evil that good may come"? --as we are slanderously reported and as some affirm that we say. Their condemnation is just" (Romans 3:8).

Throughout your letter I was struck at how often you try to balance the wrong you are doing with the good that you intend to do. Let me put it bluntly, you are an adulterer. You have been for years and you continue to be one. The only thing that has changed is how often you commit this sin. You intend to stop, but you do nothing toward that end. You still live with the woman with whom you've committed adultery.

Your continued living with this woman and having a child with her does not make you married. She doesn't have the right to a second marriage, seeing as she had a hand in destroying her first marriage. "And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery" (Mark 10:12). Any behavior by her former husband does not change the situation.

I can't figure out why you claim you want to preach when you live a life where you make so many compromises with Satan. I'm glad you are reading the Bible and reading it to others, but you need to live it. "Therefore lay aside all filthiness and overflow of wickedness, and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls. But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was. But he who looks into the perfect law of liberty and continues in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of the work, this one will be blessed in what he does" (James 1:21-25).

I'm sorry about your continued illness, but it has nothing to do with the immoral life you are living. It isn't justification for continuing to have the woman you have sex with around. You want to be heal and don't know whether God will grant that or not, but I do know that if you are looking for answers to prays, you won't find them while rebelling against God. "You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures. Adulterers and adulteresses! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God" (James 4:3-4).