Question:

I am a Christian who backslid. During this period I entered an immoral relationship with a woman a few years older than me, banking on her maturity. She called to tell me she's pregnant. I don't want to marry her because I have to hear from God. Aside from that, my love for her isn't enough for marriage.

I got into this because I was worried about my fertility, I was assaulted by my stepmother. She physically injured my penis when I was a child. I have never had any sexual relationship until recently in my late twenties. My dad was sexually dysfunctional from his youth, so I was afraid if I would face the same.

I sinned and the pregnancy is my wage. I have reviewed my actions and have cut off intimate relations, but I show her care because she's carrying my seed. I haven't told her my stand yet.

I need godly advice here. She is about three months pregnant. I am ready to take responsibility but not marriage. My family is aware of the pregnancy; her's likewise. I made it clear to them that I am not marrying her. I may be emotional about it, but I just need a spiritual guide. I was spoken to via God's servant through the Scripture (Revelation 2:4-5, 14-16, 20-23). Since then I have been restless. I can't tell her right away because she just concluded her dad's funeral rites. I need spiritual help.


Answer:

There are points in your letter that puzzles me. I'm glad that you realized you sin, repented, and are willing to some responsibility for your actions. I'm sorry that it took the conception of a child to bring you to your senses.

But what puzzles me is that you set out to conceive a child and now you are upset that it happened. You state that you counted on her maturity, so by that I assume that you were counting on her to keep a child from being conceived. You say that you were having sex because you were worried that you might not be able to have children. You mention that your father has sexual problems, though he still managed to sire you. You crawled into bed with a woman you don't want to marry, but you have led her to believe that you would marry her so she would have sex with you. Clearly you do not love this woman because you used her for your own purposes; you seem to have little care about her as a person. I hope more women will realize that a man willing to have sex with her says nothing about his attitude toward her. But I find it disturbing that you also want to push some of your decisions off on God by saying that God is one of the reasons you won't marry her.

The decision whether to marry a person is one that God leaves up to each person. He tells us how to select a good partner in life. He answers prayers so that we can meet people who might become our spouse. But the choice, in the end, is your own. To put it bluntly, it is not because of God that you are not marrying this woman. You are not marrying her because you don't want her as a wife. Just as you are willing to accept responsibility for your child, you need to accept your accountability for lying to a woman and using her for your own purposes. You haven't been a good man.

I'm not in a position to say whether you should or should not marry this woman. I know almost nothing about either one of you. I hope you will give it more serious consideration than you have so far. However, you caused her pregnancy. You should be responsible for her medical bills that result. You need to be there to support the child, not just with money but that child needs to have a father. That poor child would be better off adopted by a loving couple, but if it isn't possible, you need to be nearby sharing the obligations of raising the child all the way to adulthood. That responsibility is going to impact your life. Any woman who wishes to marry you will have to accept that you have a child to raise. That means interaction at times with a woman who was intimate with her husband. However you slice it, because of your decisions, your life isn't always going to be a happy one.

Sir, I am very grateful for telling me the truth. Even though it hurts I am willing to accept it. I happen to be a product of a polygamy, and I know what I faced growing up and won't want such. But I do not want to base my decision on the effects of an unhappy life.

I actually forgot to mention that she was properly married but divorced her former husband who she said was infertile.

You may say I am using God as an excuse. The Scripture can't be broken for my sake. It will be on record that I am marrying an adulterous woman. I wouldn't want a situation were the Scripture will keep haunting my actions.

This singular act I know will stand at my face until Christ comes or I die. Please I know your godly advice will profit me. Let the spirit of God lead you to speak to me. I will be willing to obey. I am still sorry and praying God pardons my wickedness.

Notice that you further prove that you weren't trying to prove you were fertile. All your actions and the circumstances around it show that you were wanting to experience sex even though you knew it was wrong to do so outside of marriage.

Since she was divorced, and the cause was not fornication, she cannot marry again without committing adultery and the one she marries committing adultery (Matthew 19:9). You cannot make one sin right by committing another sin (Romans 3:8). Therefore, you have no choice in regards of whether to marry her or not. You cannot rightfully marry her.

This does not remove your obligations. You got her pregnant, so you are responsible for the expenses in regards to the birth and upbringing of your child. You need to be involved in your child's life, but you must at the same time stay out of the bed of the child's mother. The victim here is the child. Though no fault of his own, he will be always between two homes. If adoption is possible, I do recommend that as the better way, since it will give the child a stable home. But this is the mother's choice to make. You will have to live with whatever choice she makes.

God forgives the repentant Christian (I John 1:9), but He doesn't remove the consequences of sin. So, as Jesus told the adulterous woman, "When Jesus had raised Himself up and saw no one but the woman, He said to her, "Woman, where are those accusers of yours? Has no one condemned you?" She said, "No one, Lord." And Jesus said to her, "Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more"" (John 8:10-11). You were a foolish boy, now it is time to be a man.

May God bless you for your godly advice. I agree to your judgments and observations. I was indeed a foolish boy and sinner. I have resolved to be a godly man and to live with the results of my sin. I will try my best to pay her bills and to do my best to be a father to the innocent child. God should just pardon my foolish sin. I am grateful for your help. Keep on with the truth. I promised God not to fall into sin again. Pray that His grace will be sufficient for me.

To vow not to sin again is a promise you cannot keep. "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us. My little children, these things I write to you, so that you may not sin. And if anyone sins, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous" (I John 1:9-2:1). A Christian's aim is not to sin, but we also admit that we are weak and foolish people. Satan will trip us up when we least expect it. That is why we must always be on our guard and make no allowances for sin because even then we won't be perfect at keeping sin out. "Let us walk properly, as in the day, not in revelry and drunkenness, not in lewdness and lust, not in strife and envy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts" (Romans 13:13-14).

I want you to strive hard not to sin, making the possibilities as small as you can, but I don't want you to get discouraged with yourself because you demand a perfection of yourself that cannot be reached. Better is to commit to constantly battle temptation and sin.

I have confessed and told her today my decision based on the Scriptures. She said she will go for an abortion. I promise to take total responsibility, but she insisted. I beg her to hold her peace and that I will ask a spiritual father for advice. I am confused and sad putting her through all this, for which I am the cause.

Sins have consequences, many of which are unseen in advance. I take it that she is pressuring you to marry her and she is holding the life of this child as hostage to you giving in. This says much about her that is not flattering. She is willing to murder an innocent child if she doesn't get her way. It also makes me suspicious.

Let's start with a firm foundation. Sin is always wrong. You don't commit one sin to avoid another sin. "And why not say, "Let us do evil that good may come"? --as we are slanderously reported and as some affirm that we say. Their condemnation is just" (Romans 3:8). The woman is not available for marriage since she was divorced for reasons that did not involve fornication. (That she did later with you.)

The decision not to have your child is hers. I assume your country is like mine. The father can object, but ultimately the decision is totally in the mother's hands. She will have blood on her hands if she goes through with this, not you. I would recommend that the child be put up for adoption. Then the child would have loving parents and some couple's life will be blessed.

But what disturbs me is that this is a woman who was divorced because she was supposedly infertile. Now she is pregnant and instead of being excited about finally being able to have a child, proving her ex-husband was wrong, she wants to discard it. It makes me suspect that more is going on than you realize. You are always responsible for your behavior and the fact that you had sex with this woman is your sin as well as hers. But I now wonder if she was actively seducing you and you weren't paying attention because you wanted sex so badly anyway. I could see such a woman trapping a young man as her husband by claiming to be pregnant; especially if he starting indicating that he was no longer interested in her. If he fell for the deception, then after the marriage it would be "discovered" that the pregnancy was a mistake or that the child was miscarried. You see, I can more easily see a woman being willing to lie about her pregnancy status than to use the life of her child as a bargaining chip to force a guy into marrying her.

It isn't going to make a difference as far as whether to marry this woman, but my question to you is: Are you sure she is pregnant? Was this verified by a doctor?

We haven't done a medical test to certify her pregnancy. She told me she is three months along. I am also see some light from what you said. I am still pleading she doesn't take the abortion way out and soil her hands. I accept all the blame for putting her and the innocent baby through all this all for just that one sin.

It would be better to know that a child actually exists before debating what should be done with the child. It won't change the answer, but it would help clarify the issues. So leave it that you will pay for the medical expenses for having the child and you will take the child to raise if she does not want the responsibility. Make it clear that you are against abortion and you don't want that sin on her hands. After that, the decisions are hers to make.

Meanwhile, learn from this. No more sex until you are married to a woman you love.