Question:

I am in love with this girl who loved me too. We loved each other so crazily but at one point I realized that she had been lying to me for no reason to spend time with her friends and other mates. She liked spending time with boys, and she hid that from me. She said she doesn't have time for me, spending a little or no time with me, but she lied to me and was with other people and friends. I always asked God if she was the one for me and I got positive replies. All I wanted was for her to know her limits with people and live a good life. I did not like her exposing her body by wearing short dresses. I advised her, but she thought I was controlling her and taking away her space. When I asked her to keep her distance from guys, she thought I was controlling her.

If she was sent by God, isn't she supposed to be a good person? I mean a person who loves me and only me? Or at least change to be a good person when I try to change her? I do not understand. Now she has broken up with me and it is really very hard for me to carry on! Was it my misinterpretation of what God said, or was it suppose to be like this? I'm praying to God asking to bring her back in to my life. I do not know what more to do. Please do pray for me! I'm so confused, and sadness is all I have in my heart all the time.


Answer:

Breakups are always hard, and I realize that telling you that you will find someone else -- most likely someone better -- though true, seems impossible at the moment.

The key is the question you asked: "If she was sent by God, isn't she supposed to be a good person?" You were so certain that she was sent by God that you refused to see all the warning signs. A friend of mine, Wendi Capehart, pointed out a truth that too many people overlook: "If we earnestly prayed for God to tell us something was true instead of earnestly praying that He would show us truth, whatever that turned out to be, we would be pleading with Him to deceive us, we would be saying that we wanted to believe a lie, and He just might respond to that by sending a strong delusion." What Wendi was referring to is "And for this reason God will send them strong delusion, that they should believe the lie" (II Thessalonians 2:11). When a person forgets about looking for truth and instead asks God to tell him what he wants to hear, he no longer has a love for truth and God might just give him what he asks for.

You loved her, but she wasn't in love with you. How do I know? Love "rejoices in the truth" (I Corinthians 13:6). But she told you lies to keep you out of her life. As you noted, she likes the attention of boys, so she uses the effective bait that gets boys' attention -- short dresses and other revealing outfits. Of course, the type of boys attracted by such a lure aren't good boys, but then she effectively was saying she wasn't a good girl either. When you asked she to behave properly, she blamed you as being the one in the wrong.

Notice that even though you told me all this about her, you still want this to work out even though she has dumped you. In one way you saw the truth, but what you were in love with was how you imagined it would work out in the end. You knew she could have had a good life being respectable and you would gladly have her as a wife. What you just couldn't accept is that wasn't what she wanted.

You're not the first, nor will you be the last. I've lost track of the number of young men who told me about their girlfriends and I thought "she's bad news." Here is what I told one young man several years ago who asked, "Does God send us signs?" I always try to gently let them know, and I'm always rebuffed because they are certain that I don't understand. So I prepare to help pick up the pieces when it does fall apart, and it always does. The only good thing that results is that eventually the young men get better at picking girls of good quality before they get too emotionally involved.

The reason God tells people to stay away from sex and the things leading up to sex before marriage is because people have a strong tendency to believe that whoever they are currently with is the person they will be with for the rest of their lives. But until the two of them are willing to enter into a covenant relationship through marriage, that assumption is not even close to guaranteed.

What often happens is that people want to avoid being responsible for the major decisions in their lives. They want God to tell them what to do. Yet, the fact that God has told people what to do isn't enough. For example, there are numerous passages, especially in Proverbs, about what qualities in women to watch out for because they warn of a sinful person and what qualities to look for in a person who will make a great wife. But following these teachings means the person has to take responsibility for picking a quality mate. Instead, they ask God to give them a sign that this woman is the right one. Somehow the answer always turns out "Yes" because that is what the person really wants. What is being overlooked is that the young man is refusing to accept responsibility for the choice he makes. Take a look at "Should we ask for signs like Gideon did?"

It is hard to imagine, but I'm looking at this situation and am relieved that you found out in advance that she wasn't wife material. Think how awful it would have been if she dumped you after you two had several kids.

For right now, it is time to have a good cry. She lost out on her chance to have a wonderful husband and a stable relationship. Don't go rushing into another relationship while your heart is still aching, but do keep your eyes open for someone new. But in that looking, don't trying to find someone like your past girlfriend. I don't want you repeating your mistakes. Think about the warning signs you missed, and try hard not to miss them the next time.