Good morning sir. I'm 21 years old. I'm a leader in my church. I've always loved God and desire to know him and walk with him like Enoch did. But I have lusted. I started masturbating some years ago and have promised God not to anymore, but I can't find strength to stop it. I've talked with my friends about it. They've prayed with me and advised me, but it still continues.
Now the funniest and strangest thing is I don't feel any guilt in me after masturbating. One thing I do after masturbating is I ask for forgiveness and try not to condemn myself. Besides all these things, I also enjoy watching gay male porn. There's a stupid thing in me that loves gay. My strength is totally gone and I'm weak.
Please, I need help. I don't want to miss out on God's will for my life. I need Jesus more than anything. I don't want to be religious but wants a relationship. Please take me as you would a son. Please, I need this at this particular time. I need you to survive. Please reply.
I can't make you do what is right in the sight of God. I can only direct you in the way you ought to go. If you have no desire to change, then of course change will not occur. You leave me with the impression that you want to be with God, but only on your own terms. Such doesn't work in the long run. There is a reason we are told, "Jesus said to him, "'You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the first and great commandment" (Matthew 22:37-38). Being a Christian is not a half-way religion.
A part of your problem is that you are focused on the wrong thing. Where you are sinning is in the watching of pornography. "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God" (I Thessalonians 4:3-5). See the articles on pornography for more details on why it is wrong.
But in addition, you are training yourself to accept homosexuality, which is condemned by God. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10). The more you look at it, the more you'll accept it.
There is good reason to fear about your future because you are trying to live half-way in between. "No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon" (Matthew 6:24). So, as I started, you have to make up your mind which you love more.
I really appreciate your concern and your reply. I pray God help me. Please sir, can I have you as a mentor?
I'm quite willing to talk with you as often as you want and tell you what I know.