I had oral sex twice, but both times it wasn't sexual at all. My intentions wasn't to please him. I panicked and did it. And being that I was sexually abused a lot of things cause me to panic, but I should have never put myself in that situation knowing I was weak. Am I still a virgin?


I understand the value placed on virginity. Those striving to live a Christian life want to be able to say they have not fallen prey to sexual sins. But what happens is that people start playing word games to claim status. But such games become a distraction from the truth. "Remind them of these things, charging them before the Lord not to strive about words to no profit, to the ruin of the hearers" (II Timothy 2:14). So, let's look at what people mean when they call someone a virgin:

  • "A woman who has had no carnal knowledge of man; a maiden of inviolate chastity; a man who has preserved his chastity; ... chaste; untouched; fresh; unsullied" [The New Webster Encyclopedic Dictionary of the English Language]
  • "A person who has not experienced sexual intercourse" [The American Heritage Dictionary]
  • "A person who has never had sex" []
  • "A virgin is most commonly seen as a person who has not engaged in sexual intercourse. In a stricter sense it is somebody who has not yet engaged in sexual activities" [Wikipedia: Virgin]

The last definition gives us a hint as to what is happening in our society. To escape facing the reality of what someone has done, the sin is defined as strictly as possible so that what the person did isn't included. Thus, it is not just sex in general, it is only sexual intercourse.

Notice what you did: You state that you had oral sex twice. but then claimed it wasn't sexual. You can't have it both ways. Nor does your intentions change reality. A person might not intend to have an accident, but if they crash during a moment of distraction, they still had an accident. I've had lots of letters from people who didn't intend to have intercourse, but they did. It what they did that defines the facts, not their intentions. Nor does sex require enjoyment in order for it to be sex.

By the definition of the word, no, you are not a virgin. You have had sexual experiences. If someone asks if you are a virgin, you can avoid the word games by just saying "I never had intercourse" (assuming your abuse in the past didn't involve intercourse). If someone presses, the proper answer would be "I have done things in my past that I'm now ashamed of, so I don't want to get into that subject."

Rather than worry about a past you cannot change, focus on your future. You realize that you did wrong. So change your ways and start living a better life following Christ. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God" (I Corinthians 6:9-11).