Question:

I originally was a Baptist. I met my boyfriend at work as a friend. We started dating two years later. I moved in his house after dating him for two years on the pretense that we would get married. Once I moved in, I noticed pornography videos on his shelf in his closet. He said he wasn't looking at them. I asked him to throw them away. He didn't. There began the distance between us.

The following year I made up my mind to leave him because we were not married. He said he was not financially able to take care of a family. I had two adolescent girls at the time. I told him if we put God first in our life, it would take care of the rest. I noticed the more I would talk about pornography, he would deny it and not want to be intimate with me.

We did get married that year. Please understand I was not saved at that time. Once I married him. I notice even more pornography on the computer. My daughter showed me it to me. There were pop ups of pornography, which I knew he was looking at it. He finally stated he looked at it for a short time because his son used to stay with him, and he must have had it on the computer. He said sometimes he gets curious.

My husband was a Baptist member when I met him but hardly went to church. Once I started dating him, he started taking me to church as though he was trying to be a Christian.

I finally threw all the pornography videos away, but he would buy more and hide them. He started not wanting to be intimate with me, and said the reason he said he didn't have the desire to be intimate with me was because I argue too much.

He doesn't have a relationship with his children or grandchildren. He is distant from his family members, no friends. He has been working a part time job since we married. He hasn't had a full time job in many years. He has 2 to 3 days off during the week, which gives him time to look at pornography. He ignores me emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. He manipulates me and will not be intimate with me. I have tried to talk to him about these things, but he is not listening.

Two years ago he admitted to me, after my girls and I saw pornography on the computer, that he was addicted to pornography and has been looking at it since he was in his twenties. In his prior relationship his girlfriend watched pornography, too, and they had relationship problems concerning being intimate. When I started dating him, he was distant then about intimacy. I knew something was strange, but now I know why. The bottom line is we have seperated a short time ago.

He didn't want to separate. We did go to counseling. He went only twice and told the counselor he didnt have an addiction and put everything on me. Then he counseled with my minister. He went only one time. He went to a counseling group at a Baptist church for men that cheated on their wives or used pornography. He went only one time. Counseling was a mutual agreement. He went but complained and gave up.

Since we have been seperated, he will not call me; I have to call him. He never communicates with me. He is always stonewalling. He said he doesn't believe in separation, and he is not going to play house with me. I gave him consequences. Get a full time job, go to counseling, get spiritual guidance. He has gone to my church lots of times and has been taught the conditions to be saved. He said he knows the church teaches the truth, but he said he is not ready to be a Christian. I do not want to let my husband come back home until he at least gets a full time job and goes to counseling for his addiction. I can't make him go to church, he has to work out his own salvation. If I let him come back the way he is, we are going to get the same results.

My husband is staying with his mom. I dont know if he is looking at pornography or cheating on me. I feel it is wrong of him not wanting to call me or be intimate with me. He wont even communicate with me, as though he wants to work out the marriage. I have to ask questions and make plans. He never makes suggestions or even speaks his mind.

I don't know what to do. Do I just continue to wait until he decides whether he wants to be a husband? Is my husband trying to manipulate me by ignoring me? This is emotionally draining me. I want my marriage to work, but he is not communicating with me. I told him we can date, go to the movies, go out to eat, get to know each other and bond. I told him to call me and we can set up dates. He never calls unless I contact him. I know I can't divorce him without him committing adultrey. Pornograpy is cheating, but he is not in the act. I still can't divorce him on those grounds. If he is refusing to be intimate, help me financially, or communicate with me, then what is that? How long should I go through this? I don't want to get into another relationship, but if he doesn't want me, then I have told him to tell me. He needs to file for a divorce. He said he is going to wait for God to tell him what to do.

My concern is the silent treatment he is giving me. I don't know what to think, whether he is considering working out the marriage or not. Why is he making me wait? I call him at least once a week to see how he is doing. He never say anything about the relationship. I am beginning to think he doesn't know how to communicate or love a woman after being connected to pornography. He is not making any attempt to get counseling. He says he wants to talk to men who are going through what he is going through and find out if counseling helped them. I have called around, looked on the Internet. The only advice is to go to a sex or relationship therapist, which he can't afford. I go to a free support group for women, but he refuses to go to the men group the same day. He went only once and his excuse was those men are not putting God first. I found two other groups and sent that information to him. I know he is not looking for support groups, if he is, he is not discussing it with me. I feel he is looking for a full time job. I told him to get another part time job which will make a whole since he has one part time job. I feel he is looking in the wrong places for a job. I don't think he is trying hard.

What hurts me the most is finding pornography on the computer and hiding it. I did go through a program and blocked the web sites for pornography. Then he found a way to meet and chat with women. I blocked that, so he started looking at booty dancing women. I didn't block it, but questioned him. He lied, but I pressured him, and he told me, yes, he has been looking at women, but it's just like any other video for entertainment. I told him that it is lusting, and he knows how I feel about that. It is still cheating. He continued to look at it even though he knew I can find out. That was the last draw. It does not matter what I block or find. He doesn't care about my feelings. So please help me.

My husband is not saved. If he wants to divorce me because he say I argue too much, and he is not happy with me. Can he divorce me, and, if he does, can I remarry?


Answer:

Even though you were not a member of the church, you still knew some of God's teachings. The Baptists do teach that fornication is wrong, so this isn't an excuse for what you did to yourself. You knew you were doing wrong. You saw the warning signs but chose to ignore them. Now that the car has reached the cliff, you want a solution.

I can't offer a magical solution to this situation. It should never had started. You had numerous opportunities not to get into the situation ou are now in.

There is no reason to suspect that your husband is committing adultery. He is, and has been, committing all sorts of sins involving lust and laziness. If this marriage ends in divorce, it will not give either of you the right to marry someone else (Matthew 19:9). You will have to remain unmarried until you can resolve the problems with your husband (I Corinthians 7:10-11). I don't know why you are considering a divorce, since it would not improve your current situation.

You are right that you can't force your husband to become a Christian, but you also cannot force him to give up his pornography or to do what is right. You have told him what you expect from him before he moves back home. Leave it at that. Hopefully one day he will realize what he is missing and straighten out his life. Meanwhile, you have a life to live and daughters to raise.

You are right. I am not going to divorce him. I have always told him I can't divorce unless I know he is committing adultery. I want my marriage to work, but he is the one that keeps saying he wants to be by himself and file a divorce. He is undecided every time I talk to him. So, like you said, I can't make him do right. I can't stop him from filing a divorce. If he does, what can I do? Will I be able to remarry?

If he decides to divorce you as the situation currently stands, no, you will not be able to marry someone else. From your description, I suspect that he won't ever get around to divorcing you. I also suspect that if you take the pressure off of him, and just keep a pleasant communication path open, that he will eventually decide he was better off with you.

Okay. Thank you so much for answering me. I will do that, and I will stay in touch with you.