Okay, what do I have to do to "put God first in my life?" What does this mean?
I was thinking about this today. Some of my family have been telling me that I'm different: I get irritated easily, I lose my patience with them easily. For example, I was going to eat lunch, I was putting food on my plate, and after I put beans on it my aunt told me, "Hey! These are not ready yet! Don't eat them!" I looked at her and said, "You waited for me to put it in my plate and you tell me that now?"
This aunt scolded me a while back because I forgot about picking her up. I guess I wanted to find the smallest opportunity to punish her and make her feel the pain I felt, which is wrong. My mother says I'm not like that, and some of them are afraid of me now. It's strange. I feel like I have power to make them not annoy me, but I'm wrong. I know I'm wrong by punishing them when I get the chance, but it felt like they couldn't irritate me anymore because my rage and harsh behavior keeps their mouths shut most of the time. Another aunt of mine told me I look sad most of the time, and I do. I also stopped praying three times a day, I only pray one or two times. I can't give up!
I guess I'm irritated because of all the things that happened, but I know I'm still wrong. What can I do? I want to be a true son of God, I don't want to be faithful to God only when things are fine, I want to be good all the time, even in bad times.
I guess I give priority to worldly things because I'm worried about other people's opinion, and I am afraid of being poor. I know I must seem childish, but please help me. So I repeat: How can I put God first in my life? Teach me and I'm going to do it! How should I act? How should I behave in this world? I'm not going to try, I'm going to do it. Teach me, please.
When you make a mistake, then the best thing to do is learn from it. With your aunt, you didn't allow for the fact that she might not have realized what you were getting until she saw it on your plate. She was looking out for your best interest -- she didn't want you to eat undercooked beans. I'm sure you've had times when you didn't notice something immediately. You didn't give your aunt a fair chance.
When you mention the need for revenge, you are getting closer to the root cause of the problems. "Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion. Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay," says the Lord" (Romans 12:16-19). How do you do this? You don't do evil. Period. It doesn't matter if it is someone you like or dislike. "Therefore "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; If he is thirsty, give him a drink; For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:20-21). It doesn't matter how you feel at the moment. And there is the core to this problem: you are trying to use evil as a club, but such a club always damages you as well as others.
In some ways, I suspect that what you are experiencing is spillage. It isn't that you are angry with any one particular person or one particular thing. You are letting a whole bunch of frustrations build up and then taking it out on everyone around you.
This is why you need to learn the secret of being content. Contentment is choosing to be happy with life as it is. The mistake most people make is deciding they'll be happy if some things change. What they don't realize is that some things can't be changed and others, when they do change, don't bring the expected happiness. That is because real happiness isn't imposed on a person, it is what a person decides to be -- regardless of what happens around him.
And really, you aren't happy with yourself, and you need to be. You've got a lot going for you. But you blind yourself to them because you constantly compare yourself and your life to other people. You don't really see other people's lives -- you only see the surface. Because of that things look better to you than they really are. Thus, you compare your life to something that isn't real, and make yourself unhappy.
No one's life is perfect. Perfect lives don't come until heaven. But it doesn't mean you can't learn to enjoy life anyway. "Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:11-13).
So don't worry about being a poor man or a rich man; focus on being a good man. "Therefore do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble" (Matthew 6:31-34).