Question:

Hi,

I have a question about what I should do with my girlfriend. She's the love of my life, and I can't imagine ever being without her, but ever since I got real serious about God, things she does bothers me so much more. She smokes weed and cigarettes, she dranks, she cusses up a storm, and she loves sex. I dropped the cigs, I don't smoke weed, I'm trying to not drink, I'm trying not to cuss, and I'm trying not to put myself in bad situations with her. It's like she forces sex on me, if she can. She knows I'm trying to live right. It's so hard to live right where I'm from, especially when she doesn't even have my back. I feel like at times I should leave her alone, but I love her, and I'm all she's got. I don't know what would happen to her if she didn't have me there for her. I feel like I know it's something I got to do, but I don't understand why God would want me to leave someone who's in such a bad spot. I don't know. I just need some sort of answer.


Answer:

I would really like to talk to you one-on-one because there are a number of ideas that I would like to explore with you and I get the feeling that email isn't going to work real well for what we need to talk about.

I want to start with a very serious question for you, what do you think constitutes love? You believe you are in love with her, but what exactly is it that pulls you to her?

Does she love you back in a similar way? I ask because you describe a woman who is self-destructive, abrasive, and does what she likes regardless of what you think? I'm wondering how you see that as love.

What I would like you to do is answer those questions first, so that you can sort through your thoughts. Next, I want you to read I Corinthians 13:4-8 and the article "Love Is ...," which explains the terms used in the passage. Make a list of each phrase and tell me if each is how you love her. Then make a second list and tell me if each is how she loves you.

When I read through your note, I see several things which can manipulate a man's feelings. You see her in a bad situation, so it appeals to your desire to be the knight in shining armor to rescue the damsel in distress. This is the way many guys make mistakes because we have such a strong desire to be wanted. She is also using sex both as a hold on you and a way to keep you distracted from thinking too closely about the relationship.

Here are some things that I want you to think about. Is this the woman you want raising your children? If you took a trip for business for two weeks, would you be absolutely confident that she wouldn't be pulling another guy into bed to entertain her while you were gone? And finally, do you want to spend the rest of your life struggling to be good while tied to a woman who wants to be bad?