I have lost confidence in myself. I thought because I re-gave my life to Christ that I would not fall the next day. But I did a few weeks after trying to give my ex a second chance. I cheated.
Before I met my ex I was pretty clear with males and not interested to physically be with men. Well, I did but not out of wedlock. So in trying to go back out with my ex, I asked him. He said yes, that he wants me back. But I recently told him that I made out and kissed some other guy. He doesn't know this guy, but he is trying to persue me and make me his girlfriend, He even brought up marriage, and children. and even after it went that far he still took up my idea of taking it really slow. The problem is the guy I cheated with is Catholic, and he has a tattoo -- something my parents disapprove of. He fits me but not completely to my Christian morals. But then neither does my ex. He claims he is a Pentecostal Christian, but he said he doesn't attend church anymore, and before and still he wants to pursue a sexual relationship (which I understand, he was my first).
But ultimatly I feel like neither is the one. I am just a messed up as they are. I have my own sins. What should I do?
I'm going to apologize up front if misunderstood some things. I had a hard time following all the tangled relationships. Here is what I came away with:
- You've been married several times.
- You thought you would be better off marrying your first husband, and he has indicated that he would be interested in having you back as a bed partner, but not necessarily as his wife.
- Meanwhile you dated another man and got sexual with him. He too is interested in marrying you and in the meantime wants you in his bed.
- On top of all this, you want to be a Christian, but now doubt your abilities to live right because of the sins you've recently committed.
What I would suggest is that you take one matter at a time. The one that is most critical is your relationship with the Lord. Until you get that straighten out you will not have the moral foundation from which to make good choices in life. It appears to me that you've given your life to Christ on your terms and not on the Lord's terms. Take a look at: Are You a Bible Christian? and What Must I Do to be Saved?
After you know what the Lord expects of you, then you will be a better position to decide who you want at your side as you truly live for Christ. Right now you are trying to make decisions based on feelings and feelings are unreliable. See: Distinguishing Faith and Feelings