Question:

I've been divorced over a year and half. My then-wife started an affair with another man. We were married for almost a decade and been together years longer than that. I discovered the affair, by accident, seven months after the fact via emails and Facebook. How ironic, as these are social web sites are Satan's minions. A week later she moved out. After many months of trying to reconcile to no avail while she was openly living with another man, though still married, and lying to us that she just wanted time and space to herself, I served her with divorce papers. A year later, our divorce was final. After seeing the effects of divorce on me, especially spiritually, as I wanted to follow what God says (albeit painfully against my gut feelings ringing alarm bells). For example, I understood divorce even when there is adultery is not mandatory and that it would be better to forgive. She pretended she wanted to work things out. I was so stupid! Our pastor, who also was our Christian counsellor, really cared for her and me, but she deceived us both. When I look back now in trying to reach out to her that what she was doing was wrong to God and me.

I believe that unilateral, adultery-related divorce is nothing short of hell, worse than even the death of a loved one. I have experienced loved ones dying, but with death there is no wilful betrayal, rejection, or abandoment, and you donít see the perpetrators carry on with their lives without no remorse.

I am very lonely. I normally can spend time by myself and also donít have a unnatural drive to want to have sex (albeit I do enjoy companionship and a sexual relationship within marriage). What I miss especially is the companionship, the friendship (she was by best friend), the reading of the Holy Scripture together, the knowledge and findings we used to encounter while sharing reading the Scriptures every day. There is nothing more spiritually gratifying than reading the Scriptures and encountering the richness and truths contained in Christ with the one you love, care for and hope to start a godly family with. Many times we saw truths in the Scriptures and we thought, "I never knew God said this or went into so much depth on a particular topic." This experience that God gives within the realms of marital union is not the same as being in fellowship at church, which is also good and required as well. This is what made what she did to me the more grievous as I know she knows the Scriptures very well but found the courage and boldness to go against her conscience and the truth of God in her conscience and His Word.

Though I am very lonely, my next question is: Am I still required by the Lord to live a pure and holy life regardless of the violent spiritual evil that has been brought upon me by Satan and my ex-wife? My friends tell me to go get laid, as this will alleviate the pain. After all I can always pray for forgiveness as God should understand. I know they are right (in regards to curb my lonliness) but I know it also is a sin. I donít know how long I can hold out for before falling into temptation. Hence, I have been taking receptors that shuts down my hormones for any sexual desires. Sometimes it doesnít work, as I venture into pornography sometimes†out of rebellion for God allowing this. I donít have to want to start having sexual urges because I know what it would lead too eventually -- fornication. I would rather hurt myself, such as affecting my fertility by taking this stuff, than sin against God by seeking the opposite sex and deluding myself first that it will be only friendship and nothing else, which will lead to many sins by opening up many temptations with the opposite sex. And not to forget all those around me who look at me, noting that I am dealing with this well and not even falling into temptation. But, sir, inside me I'm dying and going insane on what has happened.

I did not want to be in this situation as I prayed and begged God to help reconcile the marriage and not let Satan win, but it fell on deaf ears. Satan readily won, and now he might win again because I am struggling so much with being idle. By the way I lost my job as well in the process because of the emotional trauma. I wasnít performing well at work. Itís not much consolation when you're in a pressurized environment and knowing another man is with your spouse, and they are both ruining your life thanks to Satan, my evil, treacherous ex-wife, and the man. They ruined the marriage and secondly made me lose my job in the process. The worse to come from Satan is the feeling that God is not helping at all but instead the events only got worse the more I prayed against the situation.

Sometimes, sir, itís hard not to think that maybe there is no justice with God at all in this side of heaven, and itís probably better to live your life how you please and protecting numero Uno first "ME" and not expect God to help you all the time as He is not obligated to. As the saying goes God helps those who help themselves (not scriptural I know). But in my case if I had followed my gut feelings,†I would have faired better instead of submitting (painfully) to what the Scripture says hoping that the spouse would come to a realization and also God, if per chance, might help and make us become better Christians through this immense pain. Alas at every stage Satan got the victory.

I see on your web site that you pay a lot of attention to purity and holiness. It seems to me sexual, lust, relationship and marital issues might be the reason why most souls will be in hell separated from God as this is what the world celebrates and has no law against. For example, there are consequences for murder but none for adultery.


Answer:

I can only imagine the pain you are going through having your whole life tumbled into a mess. So let's put a little bit of sanity back into your perspective.

"Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am tempted by God"; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone. But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed" (James 1:13-14).

You rightly note that it was Satan who enticed your wife to sin. God stands opposed to what your wife did. What you are going through is one of many reasons why God said, "You shall not commit adultery" (Exodus 20:14). God gave such laws because they benefit people. As Moses told Israel, "And now, Israel, what does the LORD your God require of you, but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all His ways and to love Him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the commandments of the LORD and His statutes which I command you today for your good?" (Deuteronomy 10:12-13).

The point isn't that God didn't stop your wife from sinning. The point is that your wife chose sin over righteousness. God made all of us free moral creatures. He blessed us with the right to choose the path we wish to live (Joshua 24:15). God could have made mankind unable to sin, but then we would be nothing but robots. God wants people who freely choose Him. "Your people shall be volunteers in the day of Your power; in the beauties of holiness, from the womb of the morning, You have the dew of Your youth" (Psalms 110:3). God told your wife not to sin, and He weeps along with you that she would rather have a fling than eternity with her Father.

In attempting to reconcile your marriage; yes, your former wife treated you with contempt, but it doesn't mean that you didn't do the right thing. You did give her a chance and that was right and proper. It just makes her behavior look all the worse.

Your problem is loneliness. Having sex with some woman you barely know is not going to solve that problem. Actually, it will make matters worse because you'll drive a barrier between yourself and God (Isaiah 59:1-2) and your loneliness will really increase. Sin cannot be fixed with sin (Romans 3:8). With the advice you are receiving, you need to find yourself some new friends. Clearly they don't have your best interests in mind.

I don't know what you are taking to curb your sexual desire, but I suspect it has far more effects on your thinking than just sex. It might be dampening your mood, but it might also be keeping you from moving on.

Your wife's behavior ruined your marriage, but it doesn't mean you must be lonely the rest of your life. When Jesus said, "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery" (Matthew 19:9), the implication is that the one who did not commit fornication can marry again without committing adultery. I think it is time that you start looking for a new companion. Just be extra careful. Since you are emotionally needy at the moment, it is easy to rush matters and latch on to someone before you really get to know them.