Should I leave my marriage?


I happen to find your web site on the Internet. I have a problem with the man I stay with. I was staying with my mom a few years ago and had one of his children. I had agreed into a traditional negotiation between our two families, his and mine. He had to pay a dowry before I became his wife. He did all that and we had a big celebration. That's when I went to stay with his parents and, after a week, we stayed together. Later that year I got pregnant and our lives began to change. We started to fight a lot until the baby was born. The following year he was trying to chase me out of his house and I was ignoring it, wondering where I would live with two kids. This went on until today, and now I am tired of it. I want to leave this relationship.

Another thing, since I stayed with him, he wanted to change the kids' surname and I agreed. The kids now share his surname. For me I only needed an engagement ring, but he just want us to go and sign. I did agree to that, but it was fully booked.

At the moment I am not working, and he is the only bread winner in the house. He shouts about the things he buys in the house and his kids too. It's so painful for me that I end up thinking that if I was working things wouldn't be like this. I am tired. I want to live in his house, and I am worried about the first born --how will she feel if I leave her with her father? I don't want her to be distracted from her schooling. I won't be able to maintain her as her school comes early. The seven-months one can go to the creche until 6 o'clock. My six year old girl is so smart and always aware about things between me and her father. She has seen us fighting a lot the last few years.

I felt this traditional thing, wanting to make her life better than mine, as I didn't have that in my childhood. I am not a Christian and I don't know if God wants me to work for him and my family. I do pray, but I believe that is not enough for my Lord.


Please forgive me if I misunderstood some of your note. If I understood you correctly, you had a child out of wedlock. Your family arranged for you to marry the man with whom you had been having sex. He paid the traditional dowry and you had a wedding, but it sounds as if you are saying that something wasn't completed.

Instead of learning to get along with each other and become one, you two have been spending your time learning to fight with each other. You skipped over the cause of the arguments, but I think this is where your effort ought to be.

As far as I can tell from what you have told me, you are married to this man. You freely chose him as your husband. That commitment is a life-long agreement. Covenants exists for the benefit of everyone, and the marriage covenant is no different. Besides, your children need their mother. Happiness is a choice you make, it doesn't depend on the environment you live in. "Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Colossians 4:11-13).

You are correct that prayer is not enough. You should become a Christian. It would benefit you and your family. See: Why Be a Christian?