Question:

Hi. I'm wondering if you can please help me with a struggle I've had regarding a desire for a particular woman. There is a young Christian woman who I really like, but she had told me a while ago that she doesn't have a romantic interest in me. Since then we've remained friends, but I've struggled to move on and I've been obsessive over her. I've had a hard time wanting to move on because I see so many good things in this woman, and I seriously like her and like who she is. I've gotten to know her a good amount over the past year, and I really like what I see and know about her. Even though there are things I don't like about her, there isn't anything really bugging me or preventing me from continuing to have interest in her, though lately I've had some communication problems with her. But I've had times where communication was OK not too long ago after she had told me she wasn't romantically interested in me.

I've been told to move on, but I have a hard time having a willing desire to do so. Maybe I have a lack of faith in God providing me a different woman who's right for me because I seriously want this woman and no other at the time. I might be impatient too about it because it may take time for me to get to know a woman and finally date her and then marry her, and it's already been several years since I met this particular woman and since then I've always had some sort of interest in her, though my interest really developed throughout this past year. And during these years I've been provided opportunities to talk to her and get to know her and with what I know so far I think that we have things in common that could make for a great marriage, though I figure I need to get to know her more to make a more definite conclusion.

Do some people meet others who would make for a great marriage if they were married, but eventually marry others? I admit, it seems as if my friendship with this woman seems like it's "meant to be" based on certain things happening such as how we met and things we have in common. I don't know if the "meant to be" concept is real, but then how do you explain certain things that happen between a man and woman that appear as if it was "meant to be" that eventually lead to marriage?

I find satisfaction in seeing her in person and talking with her. When I try to talk to her through the phone and she doesn't answer back, I feel depressed about it and wonder why she didn't get back to me. I think being obsessive about her might be a cause of depression because I haven't been able to have her in a relationship.

I feel like this situation is hurting me emotionally and I really need help and guidance in the right direction. Would you please be able to help me? Thanks


Answer:

Reading through your note, what I find is a one-sided interest. You are eager for this relationship to become more serious, but she clearly stated that she doesn't think it will work. Without her side, it would be hard to guess as to why. But what concerns me is that you are continuing to pursue her. That isn't right because you are not giving respect to what she has said. Could she be wrong about it not working? Sure. Could she later change her mind? Perhaps. But most people become more stubborn the harder you push. If you are looking to win her over obsessing about her is the wrong way to go about it.

It is very easy for young men to become compulsive and obsessive about things. It seems to be a part of the adolescent male make up and it sometimes even continues beyond adolescence. However, that doesn't mean it is always a good character trait. From it men get their persistence to overcome problems, but it becomes a problem when we try to force just one solution.

You are looking for a companion to be by your side for the rest of your life. That implies that you find a woman who wants to be by your side. You found a woman who comes close to your ideals of a good companion, but this particular woman doesn't find you close to her particular ideals regarding a good husband. That isn't a slam against you. I'm positive there have been several women you've skipped because they weren't what you were looking for, yet your rejection of them doesn't necessarily mean they are bad women. They just weren't what you had in mind. She has told you that you aren't want she has in mind. It is disappointing, but she has a right to choose who she wants; just as you have a right to choose the type of woman you want. So it is time to move on.

Life is going to be filled with similar disappointments. You might want a particular job and feel you are an ideal candidate the position, but if the boss doesn't want to hire you, you need to move on to another company and not mope about the missed opportunity. "Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content" (Philippians 4:11). Be content with a rejection is hard, but it is something we all need to learn. One door might close, but it means we have a chance to look behind other doors.

So though you think this relationship is meant to be, it isn't happening; at least, not at this time. Keep looking. You know a bit more about the type of woman you are looking for, so use that experience to your advantage. You've learned how to talk to a female without getting tongue tied, and you are able to be friends with a woman. Appreciate the fact that she helped you learn and put that knowledge to good use.

I appreciate your advise. Thank you very much. I have definitely learned more about what I like and want in a wife. This woman has a lot of great features about her and she is a godly woman! I know you mentioned something about adolescence, but I'm in my late twenties now and the woman I like that I'm talking about is around that age as well. Just wanted to let you know if that helps you to understand my situation better.

I'm curious to know, do you think it's possible to win her over, and if so how would it work?

If you don't mind me asking, I'm wondering if you can please help me to understand dating and marriage better? I have concerns and thoughts that I am unsure about that I wish I knew for certain.

Do you think it's possible for a woman who sees a man only as a friend, for her to develop a romantic interest in the man later on, even after a year or more?

When a guy moves on from a woman who doesn't have an interest, are there situations where the woman develops an interest and the guy re-develops an interest in her?

Do men and women who eventually get married always have an initial mutual romantic interest when they first meet, or can it develop later on for one or both of the people?

Thank you for all your help! God Bless!

I cannot say whether it is possible to win her over or not. I don't know her. What little I know is from your description and it is naturally biased. Yes, she could change her mind. She could remain firm. What I am saying is that you need to respect what she says and not assume she is playing some type of game with you. Stay friends, but start looking for someone who says she wants to be your wife. Don't make plans for what might happen because you can't count on that. If she changes her mind and lets you know, you can make a decision at that time.

People are people. They can change their minds, and sometimes do. There are people who didn't like each other when they first met who grew to respect and love each other as they got to know the other person. There are also a lot of people who thought they liked someone and the more they got to know the person, the more they despised them. First impressions are most imagination -- sometimes it is right, sometimes it is wrong.

In selecting your life's mate, you need to consider what exists and not dream of what might be.