Question:

I have just being reading most of the answers under the topic of marriage and I have to say first of all thank you for answering questions in a biblical perspective. It's all we need. My question is as follows:

I got an older woman pregnant who is in her thirties. I am five years younger than she. We have a beautiful daughter. We are now born again but not married. I previously had a girlfriend in college who also got pregnant but not by me. She isn't married either. I am not in love with the older lady, but we live together. I am in love with the girlfriend I had in college. I do believe I love the Lord and am born again, but after reading all these comments here, I would like to get married to the woman I love according to God's word. My question is whom should I marry? Please advise me.


Answer:

You claim to be born again, but you continue to commit fornication. You can't have it both ways.

"What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it? Or do you not know that as many of us as were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death? Therefore we were buried with Him through baptism into death, that just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life. For if we have been united together in the likeness of His death, certainly we also shall be in the likeness of His resurrection, knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin. For he who has died has been freed from sin" (Romans 6:1-7).

"Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10).

"But why do you call Me 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do the things which I say?" (Luke 6:46).

"If you love Me, keep My commandments" (John 14:15).

Whomever you decide to marry, your first duty is to straighten out your life with the Lord. You must stop having sex with women to whom you are not married. I hope you are not such a cad as to be having sex with both of these women.

It is sad to hear you claim that you live with a woman and produced a child with a woman whom you believe you don't love. I suspect that isn't fully true. She might not get your heart racing, but that isn't what love is about. See "Love Is ..." for a biblical definition of love. I would argue that you don't fully love the woman you are with because a real man wouldn't be using a woman for his sexual pleasure and living in her home without making a commitment to her. I also suspect that you are infatuated with your former girlfriend because you aren't living with her. It is because you don't see her all the time (or haven't seen her in a while) that you imagine she is better than the woman you are with. You are constantly reminded of problems with the woman you live with, but you only imagine there are less problems with the woman you are no longer with.

You didn't state why you broke up with your former girlfriend. What makes you think that she would have you if you came back into her life? Why do you assume that whatever caused the break up would no longer be a problem. What makes you think she would make a good wife and mother?

If you truly don't love this woman you are living with, why are you there? Why are you still sleeping with her? Why are you still having sex with her? To be doing all this with a woman you claim you don't care about certainly doesn't make you appear to be a good man.

Even if you did decide to marry your former girlfriend, you still must face the problem that you are responsible for your child. Your daughter needs a mother and a father in her life. Being shuffled between her mother and you will not do her good in the years to come. She will always be visiting someone else's home. She is the innocent in these matters, but your past sins and what you decide in the future is going to have a huge impact on her life.

Life isn't about you. It is about you doing what is right. "Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God and keep His commandments, for this is man's all. For God will bring every work into judgment, including every secret thing, whether good or evil" (Ecclesiastes 12:13-14). So first things first. Repent and stop your sinning. Then make a sound, rational decision about who is best to have at your side for the rest of your life and how you will be best able to care for the daughter you brought into this world. You can find happiness in any situation, if you make up your mind to be content, so your happiness is really a secondary consideration.

If you wish to discuss these matters in greater depth, I will help as best I can, but in the end, you have to straighten out the problems you caused. I can't do it for you. "Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure" (Philippians 2:12-13).

Thanks for the truth and rebuking me in love. I will get married, God willing, before the end of this year to my baby's mama. I am such a selfish man. There is nothing good in my flesh. Thank God for His grace. I currently don't have the money, but we will do it in the attorney general's chambers. May our good Lord bless you.