I went through your article, "A Sin Leading to Death." Like so many other articles on the sin that leads to death and apostasy there seems to be no final consensus on what are these sins, what are their consequences, and the chances of reversing these consequences. So the article held some hope for me and some dread.
I was called a prophet and have seen the gifts of God really manifest in my life -- including healing, word of knowledge, prophecy and a gift of faith. But I got tired along the way. I didn't study my Bible anymore. I still prayed some but couldn't derive nourishment from normal sources like sermons. I had a prolonged warfare with ancestral curses and spirits because I didn't know about deliverance. The more I served, the more they manifested. The more I prayed against them, the more obstinate they seemed to become. I got tired spiritually around that time; it seemed like God was no longer answering my prayers. I never dabbled into sorcery or anything of the sort. I later "discovered" deliverance and was free after about three years of soul numbing battle. I was spiritually tired.
I drifted into regular fornication and always repented of my sins. I was forgiven and restored each time. I was not serving as a pastor anymore at this time.
A prophetess who did not know me from Adam prophesied to me over the Internet that the enemy wanted to sift me out. She said other things which all came to pass, so I had no reason to doubt any of her words. Recently the Lord warned me through revelations that I was drifting into apostasy. I was terrified and repented. He forgave men and restored me, telling me that if I repent he would restore me that I may serve him. If I uttered worthy, and not worthless, words I would be his spokesman. I must not turn to the people of the world, they must turn to me.
I was happy at my restoration, but unknowingly I had made a "formula" out of God's grace. Taking his grace for granted. Willfully sinning, knowing he would forgive and restore. I was dead.
Not long after the warning from apostasy, the enemy struck. I was tempted into fornication again. After a lot of warnings from God, I still entered into that sin thinking he would forgive as usual and that I can always go in for deliverance to break any curses.
It is not happening. I knew what the consequences of apostasy, or sin that leads to death, was, but I ignored those warnings and still entered that sin. I have prayed, fasted, confessed my sins and gone in for deliverance yet the darkness remained. I live in terror now; terror of eternal damnation, or destruction even physically.
I don't know what to do because God is not allowing his servants to pray for me anymore. When they pray he doesn't seem to answer. I think this is the sin that leads to death. It's painful that it takes my destruction to discover this.
However, I am still hoping against hope, fasting, praying, confessing and repenting of my sins. I have renounced of all fornication and sexual activities until I get married. I hope God will allow that. I still go to bed each night hoping he would speak some kind word and restore me for eternity. If he does, I make this oath to never depart from him again. God should not make me like Esau or like Saul. I pray for a supernatural miracle of forgiveness and restoration -- even if he restores me and then takes my life, so long as I go home to his rest, in the bosom of Abraham, I will be content.
Ministers should teach these things so folk can take caution.
I pray for his mercy, even if it manifests in his taking me home to the bosom of Abraham. One drop of his mercy, not like the drop of water asked by the rich man of Lazarus in the Abraham's bosom, but like he showed Moses after Moses rebelled against his commands. He did not allow the enemy to claim his body or his soul.
Pray with me if God permits you.
Zechariah stated that prophecy would not always be given to men. After salvation was brought to God's people, the Lord stated:
""It shall be in that day," says the LORD of hosts, "that I will cut off the names of the idols from the land, and they shall no longer be remembered. I will also cause the prophets and the unclean spirit to depart from the land. It shall come to pass that if anyone still prophesies, then his father and mother who begot him will say to him, 'You shall not live, because you have spoken lies in the name of the LORD.' And his father and mother who begot him shall thrust him through when he prophesies. And it shall be in that day that every prophet will be ashamed of his vision when he prophesies; they will not wear a robe of coarse hair to deceive" (Zechariah 13:1-4).
God once taught in various ways, but that is no longer true. "God, who at various times and in various ways spoke in time past to the fathers by the prophets, has in these last days spoken to us by His Son, whom He has appointed heir of all things, through whom also He made the worlds" (Hebrews 1:1-2). But you, like so many other false prophets in the world today deny that God meant what He said. With the complete revelation of Jesus Christ in mankind's hands there is no need for miraculous gifts. "Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away" (I Corinthians 13:8-10). Thus Jesus warned, "Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven. Many will say to Me in that day, 'Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?' And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!'" (Matthew 7:21-23).
Just prior to his statements concerning claims of prophesying in his name without his permission, Jesus warns about detecting false prophets. "Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Therefore by their fruits you will know them" (Matthew 7:15-20). Unintentionally, you illustrated Jesus' warning in your life. You claimed to be a prophet of God while you committed fornication. You claimed to repent, claimed that you were forgiven, but you continued to live your life of sin. As your life fell apart you blamed the bad things on "ancestral curses and spirits." Such do not exist because they are nothing but idolatry, but in attributing your misfortune to such things you gave credence to idolatry. The real truth is that you brought your own misfortune on your own head. "But there were also false prophets among the people, even as there will be false teachers among you, who will secretly bring in destructive heresies, even denying the Lord who bought them, and bring on themselves swift destruction. And many will follow their destructive ways, because of whom the way of truth will be blasphemed" (II Peter 2:1-2). You became the very thing Peter warned against. "But these, like natural brute beasts made to be caught and destroyed, speak evil of the things they do not understand, and will utterly perish in their own corruption, and will receive the wages of unrighteousness, as those who count it pleasure to carouse in the daytime. They are spots and blemishes, carousing in their own deceptions while they feast with you, having eyes full of adultery and that cannot cease from sin, enticing unstable souls. They have a heart trained in covetous practices, and are accursed children. ... For when they speak great swelling words of emptiness, they allure through the lusts of the flesh, through lewdness, the ones who have actually escaped from those who live in error. While they promise them liberty, they themselves are slaves of corruption; for by whom a person is overcome, by him also he is brought into bondage" (II Peter 2:12-14, 18-19).
Rather than learning from God how to correct your life, you have made up your own way of "salvation." You want to make bargains with God, to negotiate a deal, to gain a shortcut into heaven, but through it all you have yet to submit to the authority of God. You turned to other false prophets for encouragement, but you did not learn from Jesus how to be his disciple. "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light" (Matthew 11:28-30).
It doesn't take a miracle to be forgiven. It takes humility.
"Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members? You lust and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and war. Yet you do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures. Adulterers and adulteresses! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you think that the Scripture says in vain, "The Spirit who dwells in us yearns jealously"? But He gives more grace. Therefore He says: "God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble." Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up" (James 4:1-10).
You have always had the path to righteousness before you. You've read your Bible, but you did not follow it. You did not humble yourself and submit to God's commands.
If you want to change your life, read the following articles and read all the references: "Are You a Bible Christian?" and "How to Become a Christian." You are alive; therefore, there is hope that you will change.