Question:

I have a question maybe you can answer because I think I'm in a very strange and confusing situation.

Since very young I like women, very much. I also did watch a lot of pornography but not anymore.So I did and sometime still look at women a lot.

I'm married now, and I have been looking. I'm afraid I had commited adultery because of looking. I say so because I don't know if when I look if it is with lust or not. I look at women and some of them are very attractive and have some specific things I like. I focus lots of time on what I like in women. I really don't know if it's lust because when I look at them I have to confess that I'm very focused, but it is not like I want to take that woman home to my bed or commit adultery with her. I know it is wrong to do so, but I also don't really have the feeling to do so. I'm really stupid when looking (looking and not thinking very much things at the same time) and very often I just say to myself: "Wow. If only my wife had a body like that!" But I don't have an urge to would want to go to bed with one of those women, so I don't think that that desire is that strong. Will you please tell me? Well, I do sometimes think: "If my wife was like that, I wouldn't be able to get to work the next day!"

Sometimes I get kind of angry or upset when I see other much more beautiful women around us (when I'm with my wife) and I don't know if it is because I'm jealous and would want my wife to be as attractive or if this is also lust.

This is why I'm mailing you, because I don't know what this is. I don't want to commit the sin of adultery. Surely not physically, and I'm pretty confident I probably won't, but mentally I don't know what to do!
I asked for forgiveness, and I don't want to lust after any other women than my wife. But again, how can I combat it? Besides, I'm not sure if it's lust or not. Please enlighten me on this, and what do I have to do to stop.

I really really want to stop this if it is wrong because I really want to be saved! I don't want to sin -- I don't.


Answer:

"You have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28).

One of the problems Jesus had with the Jews of his day were the word games they would play. The Jewish men thought that as long as they weren't climbing into other women's beds, they weren't sinning, no matter how sinful their thoughts about those women were. What Jesus was pointing out is that even though they had not physically committed adultery, they were still doing so in their heads. A sin doesn't start with the physical action but with the thoughts of sinning.

"For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lewdness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within and defile a man" (Mark 7:21-23).

That you have no intentions of carrying out such sins doesn't matter when you are playing out those sins in your head.

But adultery isn't the only sexual sin that you can do in your head. There is also the sin of sensuality or lewdness -- the pursuit of things that get you sexually aroused. "Let us behave properly as in the day, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual promiscuity and sensuality, not in strife and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lusts" (Romans 13:13-14).

Let me put it this way, what benefit is it to your wife or your relationship with her when you compare her body to what you imagine other women's bodies are like? How would you like it if she went around looking at other men's abs or bulges and wondering what it would be like if her husband was built like that? It is foolish to compare one person to another. It is even more foolish to compare a single aspect of a person when all people are a complex mixture of things. To focus on physical traits is both shallow and worldly.

You have a woman you love and who loves you. Why aren't you satisfied with that wonderful gift?

"I have made a covenant with my eyes; why then should I look upon a young woman?" (Job 31:1).

Thank you for the answer! I understand, but what do I have to do now? I have asked for forgiveness. I don't know what else to do. And about the looking, how can I try to stop it because I really don't want to do it so I sin?

So concluding from your reply, I did commit adultery in my head?

I understand about being satisfied with my wife and not comparing her to others. I will try not to do so anymore. God help me to avoid it.

About the other issue, then I have aBIG problem. As I informed you, I look at specific things, I have done so since my childhood. I'm very observant, especiallyof little details in my surroundings. Even if somebody cuts a plant or tree down that's on my way to work, for example, I notice that change has been made. This also (and not on purpose) applies to when it comes to females. If I'm sitting drinking something somewhere and suddenly a woman enters the place, I automatically look at the specifics without even thinking. After seeing what I saw THEN maybe the other things comes into place. Is this then pursuit of things that get you sexually aroused? If so, how can I stop this? Is this lewdness or adultery too? I'm very worried because in the Bible it says that whom comit adultery will not see or get in the kingdom of God. I'm extremely worried that I even think and feel I'm falling into a depression. It'sSEEMS impossible for me to do it right because all day everywhere and nowhere there are females walking around.

I'm sorry for talking so much time of you

No one is saying that you are to have blinders when it comes to women around you. It is what you look at and why you do so that can make looking wrong. I can't see into your head. I can only go by what you have mentioned. Thus, I can't say with any certainty that you are or are not sinning. I can only explain the guidelines.

If you want to avoid sensuality and adulterous thoughts, then stop considering the physical attributes of women in a sexual context. Keep your thoughts rational and if you are tempted to stray, remind yourself that you have promises to God and your wife to keep, which are far more important. Don't compare any woman to your wife. "Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And always be enraptured with her love. For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, And be embraced in the arms of a seductress?" (Proverbs 5:18-20).

Thank you very much! I will definitely try to stop considering the physical attributes of women in a sexual context, but I know it is going to be hard for me seeing my history and how I am. But I will try. I'm already busy with it. I ask God to help me to overcome this because I really need to do so. Thank you very much and God bless you!