Question:

I'm a 27 year old male. I never kissed or made out with a woman because:

  • I'm scared of rejection,
  • I went to a boys' school,
  • I went to a varsity, until last year, that had mostly black people, and I'm only attracted to white women,
  • I realized during puberty that I'm attracted to men also and got hooked on porn where men jerk off or heterosexual porn, but I find gay sex pictures revolting.

I'm a virgin and will remain so until I'm married. I would like to have a wife and children. I finished studying last year. I am so confused about who I am. I messed up long enough and need to sort out myself as a Christian. I want to be straight only, but so often I find myself masturbating to guy pictures. But I know I would like to hold my wife. I'm an idiot. It feels like I've missed my life, wasting away studying, not developing my true person, and stressing for the past decade about gay thoughts. Is there hope for me?


Answer:

"But for him who is joined to all the living there is hope, for a living dog is better than a dead lion" (Ecclesiastes 9:4).

You're alive, so of course there is hope.

First off, stop branding yourself. You are familiar with the male form and seeing another male involved in sex turns on your sex drive. That doesn't mean you are homosexual. The human brain, when experiencing something new, learns by first making numerous connections to the new idea and then pruning off the connections that don't work or aren't used. Connections that are reinforced repeatedly are strengthened.

I'm sure you have heard of guys who find certain objects or certain smells sexy. Those things may have nothing to do with sexual situations or are only loosely connected, yet these men find them arousing. Most often it is because their first encounters with sex involved the object or smell and it became strongly associated in their mind. Because of your past, you ended up connecting images of men engaged in acts of sex with your own sexual urge and you have been reinforcing the connection by masturbating to those images. You make it clear that it isn't a desire to have sex with those men, but the concept of men involved in sex that stimulates you.

The core of your problem is the pornography. You are filling your mind with images that are not proper for a Christian to be thinking about. Then you use those images as a focus for sexual lust. If you are going to serve Christ, you have to exercise self-control. Though Paul was talking to married couples, the general concept remains true, Satan has an open door to "tempt you because of your lack of self-control" (I Corinthians 7:5). "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God" (I Thessalonians 4:3-5). But you have been using "passion of lust" (pornography) just like those who have no respect for God.

Therefore, you need to get rid of all the pornography that you have. It is toxic waste that is polluting your mind and eroding your morals. Second, make it hard to get more of it. No lock is perfect if you are determined to break it, but assuming you are serious about being godly, put in place hindrances that will give you a chance to question yourself before falling into old, bad habits. I want you to install a free program on your computer that keeps you away from the trash. It's called "K9 Web Protection."

Second, get yourself right with God. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God" (I Corinthians 6:9-11). If you want to learn more about how to really become a Christian, see "I Got Sick Of The World" and "How to Become a Christian."

Third, start filling your mind with righteous things. Go places where good, decent women also go. Start meeting people. Not everyone you meet will be a good fit for you. There are going to be people you'll realize that won't work out and others who will decide you won't work out for them. You can't find a wife unless you are willing to weed through the choices and in turn be weeded. There has to be rejection, but it is a good thing. Would you rather stay with someone who you really don't like solely because they happened to be the first one you met? I didn't think so.

Another thing is get out of the habit of focusing on the physical. Relationships is about the person, not who they look like. Making judgments about the suitability of people solely based on physical attributes, such as shape or skin color, isn't smart thinking. You are looking for a lifetime friend. "Yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant" (Malachi 2:14). The sexual attraction is only a minor aspect, which will develop when you are close to a woman anyway.

That study time wasn't wasted unless you've been wasting what you've learned. You are in a better position to get a job that can support a wife and children. Start getting yourself ready for that time even before you've found someone.

You won't find yourself changing instantly. You will find yourself growing away from a person focused on worldly things and into a person focused on godly things. But it won't happen unless you start the process.

Thanks, sir. I really appreciate your reply. I was totally confused and lost focus on God and His word. I strayed away from God, but yet He was and is everywhere and here. I guess that's why my conscious never left me and prevented me from going way wrong, but I realized that the whole lust thing is destroying me. It's really like in my mind's eye I can see an image of this thing with sharp claws dug really deep into my being. It's time to repent and turn away from that which keeps from being who God intended. I know from the word that everyone will be tempted and receive the strength to overcome if they choose to do so. I have chosen to walk God's path in all aspects of my life. I've been going to church my whole life, and it's good to be there, but my conscious started killing me. I thank you again.