Question:It has been a couple of years since I have seeked advice from you and now I am in a place where I would like to hear your insight. I am a pastor who has experienced a lot over the last few years, and now I find myself in a very unfamiliar place. I am trying to understand the pain I have experienced from women this year. Throughout my life I have always been the one who probably did the hurting in some way or another, but I realized that a long time ago and have been really focused on treating a woman the right way in all aspects. Now I find myself dealing with trying to function again without the woman I had been dating and shared so much with. When I think about the reason that we are not together, it seems so little in comparison to what love is all about. She was inquiring about a woman whom I spent some time with a couple of years ago when I was married, and because she knows who the woman is, I was afraid of what she might think and I initially was not honest about all my dealings with the woman. When I did finally tell her, she stated that she was done with me. It hurt because I am losing someone who means the world to me over a short-lived fling two years ago with someone I had no feelings for. Do you have any advice on things I can do to help me recover from the hurt and emptiness of losing her, while also trusting God that He is in control of my life despite what I would like to do?
Your words and your actions don't match. I can see why your girlfirend doesn't trust you. "Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Therefore by their fruits you will know them" (Matthew 7:15-20).
Here is the disconnect: You claim to be a man of God, but you live no differently than every other worldly man. You said you learned long ago to treat women properly, but you committed adultery against your wife two years ago. You claim to love her, but you were willing to climb into the bed of other women whom you don't care about while married.
"So is he who goes in to his neighbor's wife; whoever touches her shall not be innocent. People do not despise a thief if he steals to satisfy himself when he is starving. Yet when he is found, he must restore sevenfold; he may have to give up all the substance of his house. Whoever commits adultery with a woman lacks understanding; he who does so destroys his own soul. Wounds and dishonor he will get, and his reproach will not be wiped away. For jealousy is a husband's fury; therefore he will not spare in the day of vengeance. He will accept no recompense, nor will he be appeased though you give many gifts" (Proverbs 6:29-35).
In your case, it is your girlfriend who will not be appeased (and you ex-wife who was not appeased), but the result is the same. You told her loud and clear that to you sex has nothing to do with love. You told her by your past actions that you don't hold a marriage covenant sacred. When she got suspicious, which tells me you've continued to have a roving eye (Matthew 5:28), you lied to her. Even now, you dress up your sins as if they are small matters: "it seems so little in comparison to what love is all about." I too wonder if you have a clue as to what love is.
She had every reason to leave you. For your part, you gave up your right to marriage when you took your pants off for another woman. Perhaps one day your ex-wife will accept you back if you prove you've really changed, but given the size of the wound you gave her, I wouldn't count on it.
You ask me for comfort, but I don't find a man who is facing the reality of his sins against God and his wife yet. I only see a man claiming to teach God's word while living after the flesh. "For when they speak great swelling words of emptiness, they allure through the lusts of the flesh, through lewdness, the ones who have actually escaped from those who live in error. While they promise them liberty, they themselves are slaves of corruption; for by whom a person is overcome, by him also he is brought into bondage" (II Peter 2:18-19). You've cut off your foot with an axe and are asking me how you can heal while still holding on to the axe. You must see the cause and let it go. You need to do some serious changing before it is eternally too late.