Question:

While researching sexual sins, I came across this web site. Some of the points mentioned in the answers regarding sexual sins have really touched my heart. As a brief background about me: I am 24 years old. I have been dating a non-Christian girl for the last several years. I realize that it is important for my girlfriend to come to Jesus, but she has resisted me all these year. We finally broke up earlier this year. Afterward she went into depression and was close to trying out alcohol and smoking. Since she has been a complete teetotaler all these years, I intervened and we have been interacting ever since. Whenever we are together we end up having dry sex. We both are virgins. I know what we are doing is wrong, but on the spur of the moment something else takes over. I am her first boyfriend and she loves me very much. She is clear about marrying me. She has gone to the extent of planning kids and stuff. I am in a fix. I come from a conservative Christian family who may not accept the girl even if she converts. Please help.


Answer:

The key question is: What do you want? Do you want this girl to be your wife so much that you are willing to break off all contact with your family over her? I don't recommend that route, but I need to know where you stand. I'm assuming for the moment that because you broke up with her earlier that this is not the case.

It isn't so much that you are in a fix as that you are compromising your principles. You are being manipulated and I'm wondering why you are allowing it. Your girlfriend is set on marrying you. On your part, you've been using her for some reason that you haven't disclosed or aren't willing to face. It should not have taken you several years to figure out whether this girl was someone you wanted as a wife. You allowed her to have expectations which you are now unwilling to fulfill.

When your girlfriend lost you, she turned to a old trick of becoming a victim. Most men love to see themselves as the knight in shining armor riding up to rescue the damsel in distress, so she turned her sadness into distress.

"A foolish woman is clamorous; she is simple, and knows nothing. For she sits at the door of her house, on a seat by the highest places of the city, to call to those who pass by, who go straight on their way: "Whoever is simple, let him turn in here"; and as for him who lacks understanding, she says to him, "Stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant." But he does not know that the dead are there, that her guests are in the depths of hell" (Proverbs 9:13-18).

She was depressed, which is understandable when a boy she thought for years would marry her left her. To get your sympathy she threatened to turn to drinking and smoking, but notice that it was a threat, not a reality. What she threatened was against her nature because she never has used these things nor is she interested in these things. However, she does know you are firmly against them. Whether she realized it or not, she appealed to your desire to help your fellow human being and pulled you back into her life.

As Solomon notes in the passage above, such women aren't necessarily the greatest thinkers, but they do know how to appeal to men. This type of woman is found everywhere, from the highest places in government to the lowest home. She particularly appeals to men who don't stop to think -- not that they aren't smart, but by getting them caught up in events she keeps them from using their heads. And to seal the deal, she appeals through risk taking.

If you think for a moment, water is water. Why would stolen water taste sweeter? It is because when you take risks or know you are doing something wrong it gets your adrenaline flowing. Your heart races, your body runs faster, and your senses become sharper. Common water suddenly tastes better than usual.

I'm assuming the humping, or dry sex, began shortly after you came back into her life. She got you back by needing to be "rescued." Now that she is "rescued," how does she keep you? She did it through stimulating your sexual desire through touch, which you willingly returned. There is a reason Paul warned, "It is good for a man not to touch a woman" (I Corinthians 7:1). By that, Paul is warning against sexual touching. Such touching is foreplay, touching that stimulates the body's desire for sex and prepares the body for sex. Through the use of your body's desire for sex, she keeps you coming back even when you know this relationship isn't going to work out. But that is because while you are sexually aroused, your mind -- especially the centers dealing with judgment and forethought -- shuts down.

You say you don't know what happens, that it feels like something else takes over. It is simple. With your mind suppressed, instinct takes over. Technically, no one needs to teach a guy how to have sex. Like breathing or digesting food, our bodies come pre-wired to have sex. To have good sex is learned, but to do the basics of sex is built into every person's body. Since the touching gets you highly aroused and shuts down your mind, your instincts take over. During that time you are acting more like an animal than a human made in the image of God. "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one should take advantage of and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also forewarned you and testified" (I Thessalonians 4:3-6). Your body is instinctively going through the motions of sex even though you've managed to keep some of your clothes on thus far.

I assume that these sessions are going to the point of you ejaculating. While it seems "safe" because your penis is not out, you still risk a chance of pregnancy. I don't know what you've taken off so far, but in any sin there is a progression. People feel safe because nothing "bad" happened the last time, so it becomes justification to go further, longer, and take a bit more risk. Besides, the additional risks add excitement which keeps senses alive and adds to the "fun." The sperm in your semen doesn't care how they get to an egg. They have tails to swim, so as long as they survive the journey, it is enough. Cloth isn't a barrier to semen. It reduces the amount delivered but doesn't completely eliminate it. You will notice that whatever you are wearing is wet on the outside when you are done. In addition, since you are rubbing your penis against her genitals, some semen can be deposited near the entrance of her vagina. Or if you two are touching each others genitals, you can transfer pre-ejaculate fluid, which contains some sperm, or semen to her vagina. From there it only a matter of one sperm surviving the journey to the egg.

Your girlfriend is encouraging this because she knows it is keeping you in her life. She is using both the desire for sensuality and the guilt of participating in it to keep you from leaving. At the moment she thinks it is enough to get you to stay around and marry her. If she suspects that she is losing you again, she will likely take matters further. Since she already knows how to get you acting liking a mindless animal, if she thinks the risk is worth it, she will have your clothes off and your penis in her before you know what hit you. If the guilt of fornication doesn't get what she wants, it is a short step from there to getting pregnant by you and using that guilt to force a marriage.

None of this means she is sitting down at night and plotting out each of these steps. She's just following her nature. None of her behavior excuses what you are doing. You've let a girl think she has a chance of marrying you because you accepted her as she is. She got you to come back, but now you are using her as an outlet for your sexual desire even though you don't intend to marry her. Neither one of you are godly in this matter and it is up to you, as the follower of God, to get back to living righteously.

Dear Jeffrey,

My sincere apologies. Its taken me five years to respond to your last email. But I must tell you: every word that you have spoken is true, both about me and my ex-girlfriend. I did not have the wisdom to accept it five years back. Looking back, I wish I had taken your comments more seriously.

She got married, and we have not been in touch for the last three months.

God has been kind to me. I had the chance to study and work abroad.

From common friends, I know that she is very unhappy in that marriage. I do not wish to go back to my earlier self.

Please pray for me so that I continue strong in Christ. All the best to you, Jeffrey. May the Lord keep touching souls through your powerful ministry. I am going to save all that you told me in your last email on my device, so that I can read it over and over again.

Thank you once again, sir!

I'm sorry that you had to take the harder route to learn, but I'm glad that matters ended well for you, even if it didn't for her.