Question:

Hello, it's me, the same girl who had sent you a message before asking about sex without marriage. I know God's laws, and I know he made them to keep us safe and happy. The thing is, the person and I have already done it, we've had sex. Now Jesus said that when two people have sex with each other, they become one, so that's like marrying each other. And from what I understood is that even if a man sleeps with a prostitute, he'd know what he's doing and he'll become one flesh and body with her.

The person I love and I are totally different. When we had it we knew for sure that we're not going to leave each other, ever. I tried to convince the person though that it's better to go marry in a church, yet he said we already married the day we did it with each other and we've been keeping up with each other really well, like any other husband and wife would keep up. We're there for each other in thick and thin. Is it ok if we continue like this if one of the two doesn't believe in marriage just in church because he believes marriage is accepted by God as long as it's meant to be forever? Some priest recommended that I leave him, but leaving him after all he and I have been through is like divorcing, and it hurts us. We love each other. We don't want to leave each other at all. Does God accept us this way with this much love and loyalty we have to each other?


Answer:

"Yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant" (Malachi 2:14).

Sex does create a bonding between two people, but sex doesn't create a marriage. It is the covenant, the wedding vows exchanged, which create the actual marriage. When Lemuel's mother gave him advice she referred to him as, "What, my son? And what, son of my womb? And what, son of my vows?" (Proverbs 31:2). He was her son, not just because she had sex, but more so because of her vows with his father. I wrote an article a while back trying to explain the difference between bonding and a real marriage. Would you take time to read through "Marriage's Glue"? Please finish it before continuing on with this letter because I'm going to assume you read it.

Having sex with a prostitute does create a very temporary bond, but it doesn't create a marriage. "Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a harlot? Certainly not! Or do you not know that he who is joined to a harlot is one body with her? For "the two," He says, "shall become one flesh"" (I Corinthians 6:15-16). If one night stands created marriages, then the world would be filled polygamists. Worse, rapists could force women to be their wives. No one could marry anyone but the first person they had sex with -- something God never said. And there could not be a sin called "fornication" -- sex without marriage because each act of sex would, by your reasoning, create a marriage

What you and your boyfriend have attempted to do is create a bond through friendship and sex without the firm stability of a covenant relationship. Your boyfriend realizes that taking those wedding vow changes what you two currently have. You ought to be asking yourself why he doesn't want to take that added step to complete your union if he really thinks of you as his wife. I can only think of two reasons: he doesn't want the responsibility that the vows create, and he wants an open escape route if he ever tires of this relationship. In other words, it appears to me that his words that this is a forever relationship and his actions do not line up. I always give greater weight to a person's actions as a true indicator what they are thinking.

Regardless of your protests that this is "like" a marriage, it isn't one. Statistically, relationship like yours last about two years and rarely last longer than five years. Yes, when couples have created a bond through sex and then break up, it hurts. That is one reason God said getting married before having sex is the better way to go.

Now you claim that your boyfriend believes that your shack-up situation is accepted by God. Why? Because he says so? Because he wants it this way? Wouldn't it make more sense to go with what God has actually said? After all, it is recorded in the Bible.

You aren't married. You know it; that is why you are arguing that your sexual acts are somehow equivalent to a marriage, even though you know they aren't. You and your boyfriend are committing fornication on a long-term basis. You are having sex without being married. So does God accept that? "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10). If you think God accepts it, you are deceiving yourself.

I would rather see you and your boyfriend living godly lives which will give you much happiness in the long run. If you both want to live with each other for the rest of your lives, then get married. In most states you can do it in few hours time. It doesn't have to be a ceremony preformed by a preacher, a justice of the peace can administer wedding vows just as well, and they are just as legitimate.

If you really want to please God, then until you get married, stop having sex. Right now you two are going at life with "me first" instead of "God first." "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you" (Matthew 6:33). Isn't it about time to reverse the priorities in your life? I would hate to hear that you two missed out on heaven because you were too stubborn to admit that God was right. "God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble" (James 4:5).

I would like to thank you now that I have a better understanding. You know? Usually the man proposes toa woman when they want to marry. But in this case, I'm the one proposing and he's refusing. He told me he cannot give me the marriage I want, which is to you and me considerd the right way of marrying. Yet He loves me and cares about me a lot.

What if he keeps refusing to marry but still wants to have sex since he believes we're already married the day we mated? Should I leave him for that?

I made him read the last article you sent me and he didn't believe any of it. He doesn't even believe that gay, homosexuals and lesbians go to hell because he believes God judges people by their action, by their good deeds, not by how they are, although I told him that having sex with the same gender is considerd wrong, and is thus a wrong action. I told him that though God is mercy and love, but He still is justice as well.

I'm telling you the truth. I don't want to lose God and my place with Him, nor do I want my boyfriend to lose God and his place with Him in heaven. I want to marry him by vows and everything needed, but he doesn't. I truly love him. Isn't there any other way to get us married in front of God?

What you are asking is if there is a way to marry this man without his knowledge or consent. The answer is no. A covenant requires both parties to willingly enter into the agreement. You need to face the fact that your boyfriend has a reason for not wanting to seal himself to you for the rest of your lives. It isn't a good reason and it is one you should not ignore.

You also said you don't want your boyfriend to lose his place with God. At the moment, he read a clear statement from God's word and said it was wrong. He claims to be married while he is committing fornication. He claims God judges only by good deeds, though you know the Bible says, "For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive the things done in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad" (II Corinthians 5:10). Your boyfriend at the moment does not have a relationship with God. You can't love God and go against His teachings (I John 5:1-3). I hope and pray that he gains a relationship with God one day.

What your boyfriend believes does not make things so. As hard as it is, you need to see the truth of your relationship with him. Put God first. He won't let you down and that relationship is eternal.

I hope I'm not bothering with my messages. I talked to him today about how everything we do should be done to the glory of God. However, after an hour of talking to each other, he decided to leave me. He left me standing there by myself as if I wasn't there. Of course I felt like I lost the one I loved, but in the end I have no regret because I preferred God's will over his and mine. When each of us went our way and while I was walking alone I heard a voice deep inside me saying "Just like you chose me over everyone else, and you chose my will, I also choose you. Know that I never leave you even if everyone else does leave you." That time, I knew I wasn't alone, I lifted my head up to the sky and felt God watching me. Now I don't feel any regret or loss. It's true I might've lost the one I love, but I'm not surprised because he and I didn't start right to expect a good ending. Thanks for your help. May God bless you for ever, Amen.

I'm sorry that he preferred leaving and rejecting God to staying with a woman who loved him. He lost more than he will probably ever realize. Yet, I suspect that you've gained more than you can comprehend. Be selective in choosing your future husband. Remember that a godly man doesn't object to following God's plan and seeing whether he will wait for marriage to have sex is a good test of his commitment to God and to you.