Question:

My husband is much younger than I am. We've been married now for just a few months. Our relationship took off kind of fast. He is deployed now to another country and since has been going back and forth with the thought of divorce.

I have kids, none of them are his by blood. He came in the door loving them and acting like a father to them. I don't want a divorce because I know what God says about divorce. But he seems serious this time about it. He says he's too young for marriage. But he wants us to get a divorce and date exclusively. To me that means he wants the benefits of a marriage without the commitment.

Do I pray for this marriage or just move on?


Answer:

He is a member of the military and yet claiming he is too young to be married? I'm sorry, that extremely weak excuse doesn't fly. I must assume that you had the right to be married. Since you mention having children, I don't know if this is your first marriage or not, and if there were other marriages, whether they ended in a way that would allow you by the Scriptures to marry again (Matthew 5:32; 19:9). If you didn't have the right to be married by God's laws, then the marriage would need to end, not because he was too young, but because it wasn't a legitimate marriage.

But assuming you did have the right to marry, he made a commitment to you, the children, and to God. He is bound by the commitment for life. Besides, a divorce isn't going to solve whatever problem he is facing.

The real problem is that two fold:

  1. The two of you didn't take time to really get to know each other before your marriage.
  2. He left shortly after the marriage.

The problem is that there hasn't been nearly enough time for the two of you to bind your lives together as husband and wife. This illustrates one of the reasons God told the Israelites, "When a man has taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war or be charged with any business; he shall be free at home one year, and bring happiness to his wife whom he has taken" (Deuteronomy 24:5). A new marriage requires time for the two people to adjust to their new circumstances. Ending this marriage isn't going to solve the problem.

If he ends the marriage, there won't be any "benefits." He won't be living with you since you aren't married. He won't be in your bed. It should be made very clear to him that a person can't be single and have the rights of a married man at the same time.

He does need to date you and you do need to date him, but you need to do it as husband and wife. Both of you need to do whatever you can to make this marriage work so that both of you can be happy with the choice that you made. What I strongly suggest is that you both find a good marriage counselor to work through the early issues in your marriage. By "good" I mean one who honors God's Word first and won't suggest a divorce because he can't see a way to solve some particular problem.

In this, you have to put as much effort in solving your mutual problems as he must. He might be in the wrong for wanting a divorce, but you need to give him incentives to want to say married.

No sir, Iíve never been married. So this is a legitimate marriage.

My husband is confusing me. He says: heís too young, he doesnít want the kids' biological dad in their life because heís in but not consistent at all, and we donít know each other. I donít know if heís just insecure from being so far away or what.†

So do you have any suggestions on incentives because I'm becoming overwhelmed. I caught him talking to an old girlfriend. I'm so lost right now, HELP ME.

Yes, your husband is looking for excuses to end your marriage. Each excuse is lame. He isn't too young to get married -- he did so of his own free choice. He knew in advance that you had kids and knew that their biological dad hangs around before he proposed that you two marry. If he didn't know you well enough, then he shouldn't have entered into a lifelong commitment with you.

The sad fact is that your husband has no clue about the value of a man's word or the permanence of marriage. But you know all of this. Your knowledge of it isn't going to save your marriage.

I suspect that the problem is more than the excuses he's giving you, but without talking to him I have no clue. I can only go on what you tell me. That is why I strongly urge both of you to get marriage counciling. Perhaps someone hearing both sides can help you see what changes are needed.

Meanwhile, I would suggest dropping any complaining to him that you are doing. Spend your time and effort on making him glad about the choice that he made so that he looks forward to coming back to you. Don't give him problems that he can't fix from the other side of the world, you'll have to handle those yourself, just like you did before you married. You aren't going to win this battle by telling him off for talking to old girlfriends. You're going to win when he's too focused on you to remember that those girlfriends existed.

Thank you. I will keep you posted on our progess and I will give you to some friends that I have who may not be having problems but just need some advice. I will direct them to the site where I found you. You are a great help.