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Question:

A year ago I came home to find my ex-wife had gone and abandoned our marriage.

I just want to update you because you had been a shoulder for me to cry on. Thanks.

My ex-wife actually contacted me a few times to try and strike some form of conversation going again between us. I ignored them all and never replied to any of it. All are her asking me advice on religious stuff, on what I thought of certain issues, films, and happenings in the world at the time.

I got message from her new phone number asking me not to divorce her.

She shows no remorse, but she wanted me to do all the chasing by stopping the divorce and coming back for her like her knight in shining armor. There is not a drop of repentance. The strange thing was she texted me after she came back from a tropical island with the boyfriend. The boyfriend updates all this on his Twitter page. I would have thought they were both very happy now.

She is still living with the ex-boyfriend which I find a bit confusing. Why she would think I would take her back when I know she is still living with another man, I don't know. My conclusion is that she probably still wants to be friends, and she has realized how she has hurt me so much. But then why would she text me not to divorce her? CONFUSING. What do you think from your experience?

It seems strange as the boyfriend never mentions her on his updates. When he knew I was chasing my ex-wife to reconcile he plastered all sorts of pictures of them together so I could see. I tried to reconcile for over half a year, even when I knew she was living with him. I just wanted to follow God's word on forgiveness and because I loved her and didn't want Satan to win by taking my wife. I guess this worked back then as it was sickening to me to see my wife canoodling with another man on the world wide web for everyone to see. The humiliation and emotions I felt was indescribable. This went on for many months. I wanted to kill myself. How could God allow Satan to want to lead me to suicide? Then I lost my job in the process of all this turmoil and wanting to reconcile and fight for my marriage against Satan and another man. I became totally despondent.

I have had many sleepless nights, crying and searching my heart on my whole life from my youth. By God's grace even with this unbearable turmoil I still manage to like reading the scriptures. I found a verse that describes how I have been feeling this many months and seeing even within the darkness that the LORD has been merciful toward me. I have realized my wife was the one that chose to reject the Lord's way not me.

"Surely after I was turned back, I repented; and after I was instructed, I struck my thigh. I was ashamed, yes, even humiliated, because I bore the reproach of my youth" (Jeremiah 31:19).

I still haven't found a job yet. I really believe finding a job to keep me busy is what I need to forget the years with this woman and totally move on.

Having the time alone has made me realize I don't want my ex-wife back even if she came repenting, being remorseful, and saying how sorry she was. I can never be with a woman like that anymore. She is indeed as Proverbs says, a "strange woman." I have forgiven her, but I could not be a close friend to her anymore. Never. The most will be to say hello if I see her if our paths cross.

What I don't understand is that she believes God will overlook what she has done, and she still claims that God loves her. I found this very, very strange. But after many months of researching on marriage, divorce, and adultery I have noticed a lot of so called Christians believe (ironically it's mostly women) that God will forgive them for whatever as long as when they come back in repentance. They believe it's not God's will for them to be unhappy. I then realize in my wife's case (and most couples I have read about) she planned everything and willfully deceived me by saying she still wanted to work on the marriage until she was done with me. They all openly harden their heart and go against what Scripture clearly explains to do in marriage and its problems.

Sometimes I think is she right. Will God overlook?

I wish I, too, could just drown my sorrows and pain by doing anything to quickly forget this immense pain, e.g. doing drugs, drinking, or going back to the world temporarily. But I know it's wrong. I think at times maybe God won't mind as long as I come back to Him in repentance when I'm done. I have never been a drinker or one who does drugs, but I can totally understand why some people take these things. My point is that without the grace of God I would have definitely done anything to forget the pain -- the most painful being that "God does not care for me," "God has let me down," and "God is indifferent to good and evil, pain and sorrow." But I know scripture clearly says otherwise.

This is my ex-wife's type of thinking. She believes if things don't end up working out with her and the ex-boyfriend then she will come back to God. From the Internet pictures she has gone back to what God saved her and I from years ago. She has started partying with the boyfriend, drinking, and going to worldly events.

The pictures of her with another man, the feelings of REJECTION, BETRAYAL, FAILURE -- words cannot ever describe. At least she tried. She managed to lead this life with God for years. I guess the afflictions and sorrow were too much for her. I can certainly relate to that feeling. They are both even now engaged.

I have to say that God has allowed Satan to scar me for the rest of my entire life. Why? He has brought me so very low at the same time that it's beyond comprehension.

I will never forget this REJECTION, BETRAYAL and FAILURE in this part of my life as I journey through the time I have left. Why the Lord allowed it is beyond my finite mind. I really hoped and thought during the reconciliation, as she knew I was willing to forgive her adultery, that God in His mercy would give her a change of heart. But I guess with the ex-boyfriend speaking to her on the side there was a tug of war. My using, declaring, and pleading the Holy Scriptures to her, which she knows quite well, and the ex-boyfriend using his humanist views to tell my wife to believe in herself and her inner strength. Looks to me that Satan won this match. All our praying (my pastor, counselor, and I) never worked. I so wanted to see the ex-boyfriend lose because of the affront that Satan was doing through him. But, alas, we still failed and the ex-boyfriend won. He even has on his blog titled "2009 WHAT A YEAR, BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE" detailing how things have progressed for him.  He left the mother of his two kids to be with my wife. He says he is now in a better relationship with the woman (my ex-wife) from his teenage years. I look at this and I say to God 2009 was the worst year out of the worse years of my life. It's been trial after trial since I became a Christian.

I really feel sorry for my ex-wife as the path she has taken is to reject the way of holiness -- Jesus Christ.

Everyone says to read Psalm 73, which is very good, but I was happy to have rediscovered Psalm 13 though I have read it many times before. Now I know that God totally understands the issues of the soul and the spirit of man when they feel (wrongfully) they are without hope.

I will like to thank you for all your advice, time.

If you have anymore advice that can help me in this lonely, lonely, lonely road I will very much appreciate it. You never know when you gone to be with the Lord, perhaps I can also pass on to another soul how to deal with such tragedies and loneliness.


Answer:

Like too many people, your ex-wife does not want to face her sins. Mankind has a long history of doing that. Adam blamed Eve, and Eve blamed the serpent, but neither would face the fact that they chose to sin of their own free-will. You asked repeatedly why God allowed this to happen, but the fact is that for God to force your ex-wife to change would have denied her freedom to choose. What happened was not God's will for any marriage. Your ex-wife both chose to leave and chooses not to return. It's sad, it's crazy, it's horrible to contemplate; but it is a simple fact. She prefers this imaginary happiness over being with the man who really, truly loved her.

It hurts you on so many levels. You want the best for her, but it also hurts your own pride -- difficult as it is for a Christian to admit that it is there. She chose another man over you. That is always going to hurt any man. You want to forgive, but she doesn't want to repent. I imagine it is just a small sample of what God goes through when His children turn their backs on Him.

Why is your ex-wife still contacting you? It would be hard to guess without talking to her. My suspicion is that since she is focused on her personal happiness, she wants the best of all worlds. She doesn't like thinking she left someone behind who is miserable because of her choices, so she is trying to cheer you up by making friendly small talk on topics she knows you like. She wants to pretend she didn't hurt you so badly by leaving.

As hard as it is, it is time to move forward now. Stop looking at the boyfriend's blogs. It doesn't do you any good and it keeps the wound of the past freshly open. You are right that alcohol, drugs, and worldly living is not good for you. What most miss in the attempt to drown their sorrows is that these things don't fix the problems; they make the problems worse. They drown the person, not the sorrow, and very few come back. That is what you are seeing happen with your ex-wife. There is no going back temporarily into the world with expectations of walking back out unscathed.

"For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted the heavenly gift, and have become partakers of the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the good word of God and the powers of the age to come, if they fall away, to renew them again to repentance, since they crucify again for themselves the Son of God, and put Him to an open shame" (Hebrews 6:4-6).

It isn't that God doesn't want them back, or that you don't want your ex-wife back, the sad fact is that those who leave almost always don't want to come back. They rejected what led them out of the world in the first place, so now that they chose to return to the world, what more can you offer them? Don't you dare make the same mistake your ex-wife made just because you are miserable.

Will God overlook her sins? Only if she repents and denounces her sinful life. "Truly, these times of ignorance God overlooked, but now commands all men everywhere to repent, because He has appointed a day on which He will judge the world in righteousness by the Man whom He has ordained. He has given assurance of this to all by raising Him from the dead" (Acts 17:30-31). You can't make her see this, you can only encourage her as opportunities arise in the future to make a better choice.

Meanwhile, there is work for the Lord to do which isn't getting done by weeping over the past. Neither you nor I know what the future may hold, only that God holds the future. "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28).