Question:

I know I'm making a habit out of writing you when lifegets to me, but I know your advice helps so I do. I seem to get myself in situations that are always hurtful to me.I know I told you when I last wrote that I wouldn't know ifI was pregnant until the end of the month and now my worst fears have happened. I just found out I'm pregnant and asI expectedthis didn't help the situation. I told him and he didn't want to accept itand accused me of making it up to get him back. I then sent him proof and he still doesn't want to accept it.

I have given him time to think about it and to accept itand to try to talk to him and figure things out. He, up to last night, wouldn't even discuss it. Then old friends called and I broke down on the phone and told them everything that was going on. They contacted him and told him if hekept up the way he is acting then they'd help me get an attorney. He was upset by this and then contacted me. I told him that, yes,if he didn't start facing this with me, then I would getan attorney. We talked about it finally and he finally accepts the fact,but he asked me to do something that I simply refuse to do.

This is why I'm writing to you. Because I'm already torn up over this break-up and this is just another emotional upheavel for me to deal with. He asked me to get an abortion saying he can't take careof a baby. He is now upset because I told him, no, I will not. He says it's not developed that it's the right thing to do for both our sakes.I do not think it's fair he even asked me to do that. I know it'snot going to be easy,but I plan to have this baby and raise it. I do not believe in abortion andI could never give the baby away. It's a part of me.Is this wrong of me?I when I got pregnant with my little girl, I didn't give her up even with the circumstances being what they were. I made a decision to just raise her and love her and I'll never regret it.

I am so torn on this becauseI don't want to raise another child on my own, but I don't have choice.I know I am already down and depressed and these new emotions are not helping me. I am not suicidal, but I do just feeloverwhelmed and stressed to my limit.

I didn't tell him much about the pregnancy because we are not a couple and I feel that some information is best kept to myself. My doctor told me due to the blood pressure elevation,stress and seizures, thisis considered a high risk pregnancy. I will find out more about this when I go for another visit. I do know she said thatthis pregnancy is not without risks. She wants meto avoid stress and that seems impossible to do. I am just getting more stressed by the way he is acting toward me. My dad is stressing me out and even friends. A lot ofit surrounds the fact that their favorite advice is to find someone new. I can't do that and theydon't seem to understand that I really was in love with him. I know I have to let it go and I will in my own time. I will neverhave him fully out of my life though.

I am done writing. I'm crying hard again and am just going to lay down. I know I made a mess of things and I just need to know how to go about fixing them.


Answer:

Somethings can't be totally fixed. The best we can do is to minimize the damage and find ways to contently live with the results.

I'm not at all surprised that he wants you to get an abortion. The more you tell me about him, the more certain I am that he is focused on himself. Think about this for a moment: If he really hoped to get back with you when his schooling was done, would he be asking you to kill his baby? That one statement tells me how selfish he is. I would not be surprised that he originally left because he won't be getting sex as often as he wanted it.

I guess what saddens me is that we've talked in the past why sex outside of marriage is foolish, along with being sinful. I'm sorry that you ignored that advice.

You shouldn't be upset with his denial or wanting to get out of responsibility. He is merely acting in accordance with his nature. He made his choice when he dropped his pants, just as you made your choice when you allowed him access to your body. The choice for whether to have a child was made then. You are correct that you don't fix this problem by adding murder to the list of sins committed. To say it is the right thing to do because it is defenseless doesn't give me any respect for this person.

He can't avoid his responsibility. In most states, you can force paternity to be established and the state's department of Social Services will usually help. However, you need to consider this carefully. If he claims paternity voluntarily or you force the issue, he will have financial responsibilities and he will have joint custody of the child. In other words, you will be signing up to have this man involved in your life for at least the next 18 years and he will have your child with him for a good portion of the time. You probably need to talk with a family law lawyer about all the options so you can decide what you need to do. Plan on doing it about two month or so before the child is expected.

I'm not going to suggest that you find someone new. The last thing you need at the moment is further complications in your life. At the moment your hormones are going crazy because of the developing child and I don't you are in the position to make good sound judgments about your relationship with him or a relationship with someone new.

Getting stressed about this situation isn't going to change anything, other than filling your time with misery. You sinned. The logical consequences occurred. Now you need to figure out how you are going to live with the situation. Just take it a step at a time. Right now it is staying healthy to give this child a good start. Plus, you should contact the state Social Services to see about financial help. There are programs which will help you with food and medical costs which should take some of the strain off.