Question:

Writing because I seem to be fighting feelings right now, and I don't know where to turn.My boyfriend ofalmost a year broke up with me last week. This time I didn't even see it coming because we got along so well. His reason was he can't stand not being with me everydaybecause we only got to see each other on weekends and that was going to go to start being every other weekend. He says he loves me, and hopes we can dateonce he graduates andhas somekindof income. So he decided he wants totry to date a local girl he goes to school with.

I think it's very immature on his side because ifyou love someone you don't do that.I'm going crazy because although I have a lot of people who are concerned, none really understand. I just don't understand why guys dothese things. I know it's wrong, but I did sleep with him and won't even know until the end of the month if I'm pregnant or not.

So here I am torn up and not looking forward to the holidays or anything. I just need to get this out, for it is consuming meand affecting my health. Right now that seems impossible when I know theguy I fell in love with is out with another girl. He keeps in contact with me and I do know he cares, but when he talks to me he's so happy while I feel like I'm dying inside. He doesn't understand what I'm going through because he isn't going throughit.Urg! I can't stand feeling like this.

I just could use any advice you have that can help me.


Answer:

First, my condolences on your loss. Break-ups are always hard. One of the reasons I tell people to date for at least a year is because you can't really get to know a person in a shorter amount of time.

This fellow is sending mixed signals. Most people who don't like infrequent contact seek changes to improve the situation, not run from it. Therefore, I would be forced to conclude that there is more to this story. I hesitate guessing the motive because there is too little to go on. But you are absolutely correct, a person in love doesn't say they want to date others and maybe later we can get back together. The conclusion is that he wasn't in love with you. He liked what you provided and when it wasn't enough, he is off to find it elsewhere.

What I try to explain to young women is that men and women view relationships in a vastly different way. For example, sex to a woman is the resulting expression of what she feels for a man. A woman can't typically have sex and enjoy it without those feelings. To a man, sex is something fun to do and can be done without feelings for the woman. In other words, his having sex with you doesn't tell me anything about what he thought or felt for you. It only tells me what you thought and felt for him. It is clear that you were far deeper into this relationship than he was.

That is one of the reasons you shouldn't be giving yourself to a man. Until he is willing to put his life on the line, in a sense, by committing the rest of his life to you, you can't be sure if he really loves you or if he is just saying things you want to hear.