Question:

I love my boyfriend so much, but lately we've been arguing every other day. I know I say hurtful things but I just can't control my anger. I feel as if he just doesn't understand me. It seems as if he doesn't care. Sometimes I get so angry at him, even if it's just for something little. I want to build a calm peaceful relationship with God included. I need some great advice for this

Answer:

Anger is an emotional response to a situation. By itself it is neither right nor wrong; it is just a feeling. However, as humans we tend to allow ourselves to be angry at inappropriate times. "So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God" (James 1:19-20).

It is clear that there isn't a particular reason for your anger. You are letting minor daily irritations feed your anger. You know it is the wrong response, but you allow yourself to slip into it anyway.

Sadly, such indulgences do nothing for the situation and actually causes you to drive him further away. Then you are angry at him for doing nothing more than protecting himself.

James tells us who to start breaking the cycle. First, listen to him. I would suspect that 90% of your anger is actually over how you think he is going to respond, not over what he actually did or said. So listen, really listen. Don't make any assumptions. If you don't know something, simply ask, but don't fill in the gaps. Women are more conversationalists than men. They make intuitive leaps which leaves a man's head spinning at time trying to follow the conversation. It is great when your guesses are right. It is horrible when you make the wrong assumptions.

I know you are doing this because you said "it seems that he just doesn't care." How do you know this? Has he said so? Is he acting in an uncaring manner? Or is it that he is simply not expressing something the way you think a caring person ought to express himself?

Along with this, you have to stop talking. If you want to know what is really going on, you can't direct the conversation. Men have, at times, a hard time expressing exactly what they are thinking in words. Don't tell him what you think he ought to be saying. Let him get it out on his own, even if it takes half a day to do so. Good conversation is a two-way street. There should be a give an take. So don't dominate the conversation.

Finally, reign your emotions in. They have a purpose, but like most things in life they need to be controlled. Before you get mad, you must ask yourself if this an appropriate thing to get mad over. Are you mad because you think it is a slight against you? Then it most likely isn't appropriate. Are you mad because someone is running roughshod over someone who can't defend himself? Then it is more likely appropriate. In other words, knock it into your head that life isn't about me. "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others" (Philippians 2:3-4).