Question:

I am not too good at asking for help, but here goes.

My wife and I have been together for four years and married for about two years. We were sexually active the whole time. She and I have had two children. The first one died a few days after birth. The second one is now 15 months old.

Sex has been a struggle for us the last two and a half years. this was when we came to Christ. Before we got married we were very sexually active, then she started to go to church. I didn't believe so I was not happy about it. She stopped having sex with me at that point. She told me it was the smell of cigarette smoke, so I quit smoking, but we still did not have sex.

I started to go to the church with her and it was very eye opening. I was baptized and we went through the pre-marriage course. In our meeting with the pastor who was to marry us, I did bring the lack of sex up. She told me it was because she felt afterone child and being pregnant with number two she was sinning. At that point our marriage was about three months away, so I agreed that sex should wait until we got married. We did marry. The span after we got married and our daughter's birthday was about six weeks and so we held out for that as well. The nine weeks after that was hard for me. I made it through that with self-pleasure and felt that it all had to be hidden from her. Finally the day came and went that we were able to have sex. It was a good thing we did, too, because I was not feeling like I could be nice to my wife if she could not be "nice" to me. I know I am not perfect.

At that point she wanted birth control, so we got some really "heavy duty" stuff. Yet, sex still didn't come more then once a month. This is bad for me. I lay in bed with her night after night and hope and pray she even brushes up against me and nothing happens.

Fast forward a bit to today. We have both made some bad decisions and are now living at her mother's house. Her mom works from home two doors down the hall from us and she works nights. The only time we have to be together sexually is in the evenings when her mom is not working.

I am not sure what I should do. I really want to be with her, but I don't think she wants to be with me. I have no idea what I am doing wrong. We are just about finished with the Book, Five Love Languages by Dr. Chapman. I asked her what her love language is but she has no idea all. I know that I am a "physical touch" and "words of affirmation," but she has no idea after all the chapters about the direct names of different ways to love. I am worried that she doesn't really love me but is still with me because we have a child together. I am uncertain what all I should do. I have been praying for two years to have God help her to know what it is she needs, so she can tell me what she needs.

I am so sorry about all this. If it makes any sense I hope you can help me with something. I read that you referred to the book How to Make Love with Your Clothes On, but I am having problems finding a copy of it. I will keep on looking and hope to hear from you.


Answer:

A good bit of the problem appears to stem from the fact that both of you went about matters backwards. Though you have straightened many of the severe problems out, neither of you know how to relate to each other in a proper manner.

Since I only have your ear, I'm going to focus on things that you can do. This doesn't mean she doesn't need to change, but she isn't asking. No one can make another person do what is right. The best that you can do is give her every incentive to want to change.

We could talk about all the mistakes that lead up to your current problems, but I doubt it will be productive at this point. I'm sure there are other things going on beyond what you've mentioned, but I'm not going to try to second guess you. Instead, let's work on easing some of the pressure.

Most women see sex as an expression of the emotional love they are already feeling. There are many aspects to that loving feeling. Her feelings of security is probably one of the greatest. Most women need to feel secure in their husband's love, secure in their financial situation, secure in future prospects, etc. There are many little things you can do to help that feeling along.

First, start each day with expressions of affection -- statements of your love and appreciation for her, hugs, kisses, and the like. End the day the same way.

Demonstrate that she is most important to you by always saying "Bye!" and giving her a kiss just before you go and when you return, search her out to say "Hello!" and give her a kiss, even before you take your coat off.

Take time to do things with her, even if it is nothing more than helping her wash the dinner dishes. If you are walking together, hold her hand. Catch her eye and smile at her!

Sit down and plan a budget together. I know, it doesn't sound romantic, but start plotting together how the two of you are going to get back into your own apartment. Make goals like this a joint project and in doing so you will show that you respect her ideas.

Start thinking of ways you can date your wife. Make it a regular outing to do something together as a family. Once in a while make it a special outing where it is just you and her together.

Sit down and cuddle together as you watch a show. Tell her when she is looking particularly nice. Thank her when she does something special.

What you are aiming for is affirming her trust in you and her security in her situation. This will melt the barrier that is forming between the two of you. I know this doesn't relieve the sexual pressure, but someone has to start removing the bricks before the wall can come down.

By the way, I found copies of How to Make Love with Your Clothes on 101 Ways to Romance Your Wife and How to Make Love With Your Clothes on: 101 Ways to Romance Your Husband by David Frahm on Amazon.com. I'm sure other used book dealers also have copies.