Question:

I went to your website and wanted to know a few things that I'm too embarassed to ask anyone else about. I was wondering if the following were considered sins. So since you are a Bible site, I figured you'd know. Please be specific and everything.

Is it a sin to show my boyfriend (to whom I've been with for a year and a half this month) my breasts, butt, or vagina?
Is it a sin for him to kiss my breasts, or massage my vagina inside or outside my jeans?
Is it a sin for me to give him a hand job?
Is it a sin to see his penis?


Answer:

I've addressed these in the past, so what I would like you to do is look at a couple of past answers first. If these don't answer what is on your mind, then let me know what further questions you have.

In regards to seeing your boyfriend's private areas or his seeing yours, I would like you to look at: "I don't think lust necessarily leads to sexual sin." The basic problem is the stirring of sexual desire for something that cannot be (at the moment since you are not married) without violating God's law. In part woman have a more difficult time understanding this because they think in terms of relationships while men think in think in terms of images. Even if you are not tempted, you are placing a strong temptation in front of him. To have a strong desire for a sin, even if it isn't done, is still sinful. "But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28).

It should be obvious that if looking is a problem, then touching private areas when you are not married is even more so a problem. Take a look at: "Am I no longer a virgin if my boyfriend touched certain areas?" and "How can I show my brother that it is wrong to sleep with a woman even though you aren't having sex" for two discussions of this topic.

Thank you. Some of the citations really helped.

But another thing is that, when I show him my body my boyfriend just says things like, "You are so gorgeous. I'm so lucky to have you. You are so beautiful and have such a beautiful body." He doesn't lust over me. I can just tell. He has asked to "finger me", "eat me out" and for me to give him a "blow job."

I find no interest if he shows me his penis or butt. I'm just like, "okay". I'm never the one to ask to see, he usually just shows me.

I have said no to all three because I think that's wrong. In those things, I sense a lust for me because of the way he words it. I'll say something like, "I don't know if that's right or not in God's eyes. Why do you want to?" And he'll answer, "Because I think it's something special that only you and I can share. I see it as intimacy." I question how something like that can be intimacy, so i refuse to do those.

I have given hima 20 secondhand job before - which I regret greatly. Am I correct into thinking that that is wrong as well?

I'm puzzled how a seemingly intelligent young woman can be so blind. I'm going to assume that you are honest in these questions, so let's start at some basic things.

I don't know what you think lust means, but you obviously don't understand the term. Lust means a very strong desire, usually a strong desire for something that is unlawful. Your claim that your boyfriend is not lusting over you is more than obviously false. He has told you that he wants to put his hands and mouth in areas they should not go. He told you that he sees it as intimacy. "Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman" (I Corinthians 7:1). A man and woman who are not married should not be engaging in sexual touching. This is foreplay that prepares the body for sexual intercourse. Your boyfriend knows exactly where he is going. He is "turned on" by your body because men are visually oriented when it comes to sexual matters. "But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28). What he wants is to have sexual intercourse with you, but he knows he can't demand it directly, so he is going step by step. He is well aware that if you permit him to touch you, he can get you sexually aroused. A person who is sexually aroused doesn't think clearly. If you go down this path, it won't be long before he will be attempting to slip his penis into you.

The problem appears to be that you just assume that if you aren't feeling sexually aroused, then "obviously" he must not be aroused either. If you don't feel lust for his body, then "obviously" he must not be lusting for your body either. Such thoughts are foolish. The reason he is exposing himself to you is that he is making a similar mistake. He gets turned on by seeing sexually oriented things, such as your private areas. He assumes that you will be sexually aroused by seeing his private areas, so he exposes himself. Now that he has gotten you willing to expose yourself, he is trying to move another step closer to having intercourse with you, which you started when he got you to rub his genitals.

Notice too that he doesn't talk about you, your likes, your desires, or your abilities. He's not fascinated with who you are. He is fascinated with your body. He is focused on making use of your body to gratify his sexual desire. You are playing with fire and thinking that because you aren't interested in burning anything, the fire is under control. The two of you are playing with sex when you are not married and, you think that because you aren't that interested nothing will happen.

"Can a man take fire to his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Can one walk on hot coals, and his feet not be seared? So is he who goes in to his neighbor's wife; whoever touches her shall not be innocent" (Proverbs 6:27-29).

Thank you very much. I appreciate these long awaited answers that I've always been trying to solve. I'm so glad I found this site. Thank you again and God bless.