Question:I am a male and 24 years old and I have been having trouble with infatuating over women I find attractive. I've struggled with this for a good majority of my life, where I'll infatuate over one woman for a period of time and then it will fade, and then another woman will come along. Throughout all those years, I've never had a girlfriend, and only gotten to the level where I got to know them a little. I am wondering what I can do to tame my infatuations and not let that take control of my life? I believe it hampers my ability to focus on God because I'm constantly thinking about a particular woman. I am definitely interested in one day finding a woman that I can be compatible with and eventually marry, but I'm always finding myself in infatuations. What do I do?
Infatuation is a normal part of the process of finding a spouse. Everyone in their imagination thinks certain things are important and men especially make initial judgments based on looks instead of personality. The normal result is that after the initial attraction couples begin to finally see the other for who they are and not for what they imagined the other person to be. Sometimes reality turns out to be as good or even better than you imagine, but most of the time one or both of you realize that the relationship is just not going to work in the long run, so you pull out.
That is just one of many reasons why sex before marriage is not only sinful, but also bad for people. Sex binds people together -- not just physically, but also emotionally and spiritually. Binding yourself to someone to then just break up with them later damages your ability to bind with another later. Studies point out that this is a leading contributor to divorce. People train themselves to be less feeling toward another and when problems arise they learn to leave instead of work through the problems.
So use your experience to start defining for yourself who you are actually interested in finding for a wife. Stop just looking at the surface and falling for the wrong type. You know something of what you are looking for, so looking for those things first.
Thank you for replying to my question. I hope I can ask you another related question:
I am still lost as to what to do with my current infatuation. I've had infatuations before and they came and went, but my current situation is what makes me feel so infatuated with a woman currently. I met a woman about a little over a year ago and back then I had a strong infatuation for her. Soon that infatuation went away and until three or four months ago, my infatuation didn't start to rise again, but it wasn't until just recently that I started having these same intense feelings again for that young woman. Not only this, but she isn't a believer (she has some Catholic background, but isn't active and isn't following the Bible the way God laid it out for us).
I am confused as to why I even have feelings for her when I know I am not supposed to date or marry a non-Christian woman and I do not want to. I am also confused as to why I have another infatuation with the same woman almost over a year later. I think it may be because of the way I met her and how it seemed it was "meant to be" compared to other women I met and interacted with, even though I know that things aren't meant to be in the sense that every person has a "special someone". This woman has been unique in that I've never gotten along so well with a woman before such as her. I am always hoping and praying she will turn to God someday, but I know my main motivations and that is because I have a crush on her.
What do you think about my situation?
There is nothing wrong with being interested in a non-Christian woman, but the problems lie in how the two of you will become one if you go different directions when it comes to religion. Blending your life with another person is difficult enough, so starting off with a disagreement would not be sensible. Thus, my question for you is how likely do you think that the two of you can come to an agreement? That is, how likely is it that she would consider becoming a Christian? Have you talked about the importance of religion in your life?
I'm using "interested" instead of "infatuation" because I'm not certain you and I are using the same meaning for the word. But becoming interested in a woman again isn't unusual. What is it that caused you to break up before? What is it that changed in the last year that makes you interested in her again? And while you speak of your interest in her, does she have the same interest in you?
When you are considering someone to marry, always keep in mind that you are looking for someone who will be your companion for the rest of your life. "Live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your vain life which He has given you under the sun, all your days of vanity; for that is your portion in life, and in the labor which you perform under the sun" (Ecclesiastes 9:9). While we are often driven by our emotions, emotions alone cannot form the foundation for a solid relationship. You need to decide which issues are important in your life and which are "deal breakers." If there are issues that you cannot come to agreement over which are important and it is unlikely the other is ever going to change, then poring more time, emotions, and energy into the relationship isn't going to make the situation better.
Thanks again for the reply. I really appreciate it.
I am unsure how likely we can come to an agreement because I haven't gotten to know her enough to make a conclusion. I would like to get to know her on a deeper level, but I don't know how to do so, and with that, I want to share the Gospel with her. I am not sure how likely she is to become a Christian, but she has told me she wants to quit cursing because she noticed I wasn't cursing. I have not talked about the importance of religion in my life because I am unsure how to do so. I haven't really been that great with communicating with women, if that says anything. When we usually communicate we talk about familiar things and some superficial stuff. We'll occasionally ask how each other's families are doing, but that's as deep as we go. I would like to go deeper and get into the Gospel.
I am definitely interested, but I think my emotions are playing too big of a role. I wouldn't say break up, since we never were involved in a relationship, but my "infatuation" or interest broke up a year ago in December. I forgot how, but I think it was because she had a boyfriend at the time and somehow moved on, but I do remember wanting to be interested in her in case she becomes single and becomes a Christian. Now a year later, my interest has skyrocketed, but it's my emotions that are playing with me. I think I started becoming interested in her because she showed effort in communicating with me, something some women I've liked never did for understandable reasons. I also think it's because I've never had a girlfriend before and a woman that I find attractive showing interest in talking to me, sparks curiosity in me. I really don't know if she has the same interest as I do. I think when we first met, she probably had interest because she kept smiling at me whenever we'd see each other at school, and that made me want to meet her. And I have a hard time letting go of how we met, it seemed like a romance story.
I definitely do not want to be with a non-Christian. I am not sure how to handle my feelings, especially with the past and how we met and how we communicate with each other. I am unsure how to go about talking to her about God and finding out if she's interested.
Well, I now understand the situation much better. You're right in calling it "infatuation" since there is no real foundation to the relationship at this point. But the fact that you are attracted to this woman isn't a bad thing. It is because of infatuation that you've noticed her. But now you need to engage your mind to see if there is any real potential to this budding friendship.
The easiest way to talk about beliefs and religion is to look for opportunities. If she mentions that she is working on not cursing so much, then you have a wide open door to mention why you avoid cursing. For instance, you might have mentioned, "God's too important to me to trash His name." Those comments will lead to other questions and points. When you can, make sure she understands that your beliefs are not shallow opinions, but are based on God's word. "Here, there is a verse in the Bible that talks about that. Let me show you." Thus it is not a formal Bible study, but the Bible is being studied.
It won't take long before you discover whether this is interesting to her or if she really doesn't care what God says about different matters.
During these early days, it is important to find out who she is and what she is like. You might talk about light things, but once in a while, ask her why she made a certain choice. See if you can learn what is motivating her and where her priorities lie.
It is far too soon to say you're falling in love with her. But you have an opportunity to get to know someone. It might develop into a friendship. You are likely to get a chance to introduce her to the Gospel. Even if nothing more comes of it, that alone is worth your time and effort. But you will get more out of it. For each woman you get to know, you will find yourself learning bit by bit how to come out of your shell and feel comfortable talking to the other half of the world's population.