I really enjoy your web site. I have been studying it for quite a while and it all sounds scripturally correct. I have been asked at church to teach a girls' teenage class about peer pressure and have been concerned about how to answer some the questions the girls have asked of me. I was hoping to get some insight from you.
- Why do most guys only like immodest girls?
- How do I talk to guys that I like about being a Christian?
- How to talk to a guy and still hold my Christian values?
- Why do boys only look at the outside and not the inside of a girl?
I appreciate your time and the hard work that you seem do be doing. Thanks for any input that you may have.
First, my congratulations on your willingness to tackle a tough assignment. Teenagers need strong parents to guide them through the mine field of growing up and relationships, but they also need adults willing to answer difficult questions without a fear of consequences. At times it is tough to ask your mom or dad about sexual matters because the relationship is too close and the topic is too intimate. Teenagers have a hard enough time imagining that their parents have a sexual relationship, to admit that they have sexual thoughts to their parents is just as difficult. A good Christian can reinforce what a child's parents have been saying and provide a sounding board for delicate issues.
Because teenagers develop in many ways, I have learned over the years that the best answer to questions is a direct, clear, blunt approach. Teenagers have a hard time reading body language and facial expressions. They tend to go overboard in assigning emotions. Thus embarrassment, skirting a topic, talking in generalities often is seen as avoiding the issue. Then, too, a teenager might be aware of certain topics, but without experience they can miss the significance of what is being stated.
The questions you asked are wonderful questions. I could write a book about them, but that would take too long, so I'll try to keep my answers short.
Why do most guys only like immodest girls?
We're starting out on bad footing before we open our mouths. What is exactly meant by "most guys"? Are they certain that most guys only like immodest girls or is it the guys who like immodest girls who have caught their attention. One lesson every teenager needs is to be aware of the danger of over generalizing things that they have seen. Just because a number of guys behave in a certain fashion, it doesn't mean all or even most are the same.
Having said all of that, we must recognized a hard to swallow fact, most people aren't heading toward heaven. "Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it" (Matthew 7:13-14). That does mean that a majority of people in the world are not striving to please God.
Obviously we can tell from the world around us that sensuality is popular. It is not unique to our era. "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God" (I Thessalonians 4:3-5). Worldly people, people who do not know God, often chase after things that arouse their passions. Peter said much the same, "For we have spent enough of our past lifetime in doing the will of the Gentiles--when we walked in lewdness, lusts, drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties, and abominable idolatries" (I Peter 4:3).
People select clothing usually to make a statement. (See the lesson "What Does Your Clothing Say?" for details.) What statement is an immodestly dressed girl making to those around them? Now add in that worldly boys tend to pursue sexual passion, which type of girl will they seek out? Girls whose clothing and body language says "I'm easy" or a girl whose clothing says "Hands off buster!"? But then again, what kind of guy do you want to attract? The worldly guys who are trying to figure out some way to have sex with a girl, any girl? Or, the spiritual guys who are looking for spiritual mates?
How do I talk to guys that I like about being a Christian?
The question can go two ways, are you talking about your life as a Christian or about their becoming a Christian? Guys tend to be direct. They like solving problems. They like getting to the point efficiently. They're completely baffled by vague talk, or discussions that approach an issue from multiple directions -- especially at once.
If you want a boy to know that you have certain standards and morals, tell them straight out and up front. Some won't believe you until you put action behind your words, others will quickly lose interest because you're not what they are looking for, but there will be a few that will react with a "Finally, a decent girl!"
One of the hardest thing for boys is facing rejection. It can take a boy days, weeks, or even months to work up the nerve to say something to a girl. Many times it is because they have become gun shy. They've been shot down so many times, they're begining to wonder if there is something wrong with them. In addition, language skills are much stronger in girls than in boys. To a boy, girls babble. To a girl, boys grunt. If you can resign yourself to the fact that you aren't going to get a lot of verbal feedback, you can talk to boy without much trouble and he'll probably be shocked that you took notice of him. But by stating the rules up front you are saving both you and him wasted time and future heart break.
If you want to encourage a guy to become a Christian, then the best way is to find a common interest and build from there. Many people in the world see being a Christian as an imposition. There are so many rules and things you can't do. Sometimes it helps to get people to see the other side of the coin. "For the commandments, "You shall not commit adultery," "You shall not murder," "You shall not steal," "You shall not bear false witness," "You shall not covet," and if there is any other commandment, are all summed up in this saying, namely, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself."" (Romans 13:9). Invite him to gatherings so he can see that Christians are "normal" people. Talk about moral choices that you see around you and show him that not only does God have something to say about those choices, but that God's way always works out better in the long run.
How to talk to a guy and still hold my Christian values?
"But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints; neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks" (Ephesians 5:3-4). Stick to appropriate and safe topics. As I said, most boys are not great conversationalists, so you'll have more control of the conversation than he will. But if you run into a guy who keeps steering the conversation toward sensual things, dump him. Don't string him on just because you like the attention.
Some guys believe the myth that in order to get a girl to like you, you have to talk sensually. They reach that ridiculous conclusion because worldly boys, in the pursuit of sensuality, will often talk to one another about those topics. They then mistakenly think that girls enjoy what they enjoy. But if their minds are full of filth, their actions will follow the same course -- guys aren't that complex of creatures. If you don't like what he says, then dump him. There are others you can spend your time with more profitably.
Most people do best taking about things they are familiar with, so show some interest in the things he likes. If you find everything that he likes is boring to you, then move on -- that one is not a keeper. But with many people you can find common interests, whether is it favorite music, a book you both enjoyed, sports, cars, hobbies, and the like. If he is a keeper, he'll show interest in your likes and dislikes. A guy who only wants to talk about his favorite things is not a keeper. In talking to his fiance, Solomon says, "O my dove, in the clefts of the rock, in the secret places of the cliff, let me see your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely" (Song of Solomon 2:14). You're not going to find many teenage boys nearly that poetic, but it still conveys the idea of mutual interests in conversation.
Why do boys only look at the outside and not the inside of a girl?
Most people have a bad habit of making quick judgments before getting to know a person. Girls are just as guilty of this as boys. "My brethren, do not hold the faith of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory, with partiality. For if there should come into your assembly a man with gold rings, in fine apparel, and there should also come in a poor man in filthy clothes, and you pay attention to the one wearing the fine clothes and say to him, "You sit here in a good place," and say to the poor man, "You stand there," or, "Sit here at my footstool," have you not shown partiality among yourselves, and become judges with evil thoughts?" (James 2:1-4).
Still boys tend to be more visually oriented and girls more verbally oriented. For example, you will find more boys who can just glance at a map and tell you where you are and where you need to go. A lot of girls find maps boggling and frustrating. But a girl can have a conversation and tell you all sorts of things about a person's character, while a boy is looking puzzled and saying, "Huh?"
Use this to your advantage. If you want a decent boy, dress in an attractive, but decent style. As various boys work up their nerve to talk to you, use your intuitive conversational skills to decide whether this one is a keeper or not. Don't be afraid to toss the bad ones out, there'll be more. If you are getting nothing but bad ones, critically look at your style of dress and ask yourself if you are sending the wrong message.
For some boys, you might have to start the conversation. Talk to the other girls. Find out who is sleeping around or is a party animal and then start asking about the quiet ones. You will be surprised how many decent guys are just not bold. And most girls know nothing about them. But that makes sense, a good man should be humble. In other words, don't make a similar mistake and only notice the bold guys.