Please I need your help. I have never had sex. I am a proud 22 year old virgin and I plan to stay that way until I am married. See the problem is I have a boyfriend now and, well, he likes to touch certain areas. I just want to know is it possible that he damaged my hymen and how long does it take to heal? Does this officially make me a non-virgin and a disgrace onto myself? Or am I just blowing the whole thing way out of proportion? Please help me, I need some advice.


I don't wish to offend any sensibility, but in order to answer your question, I need to be blunt. From what you are stating, I am assuming that your boyfriend has put his fingers into your vagina. After a recent episode, you found yourself bleeding, but it wasn't from your menstruation. I'll base the remainder of this answer assuming this is what happened.

First, a woman's hymen is about an inch from the entrance to the vaginal tract. It is possible for a finger to reach it and cause it to tear. If this is what was damaged, the bleeding should only last a few days. It will start out bright red and then darken and trail off as the wound heals. The amount of bleeding should be equivalent to a normal menstruation. The problem is that walls of the vagina are thin. It is possible that a fingernail scratched the walls. It is also possible that an infection was introduced. If the bleeding persists, is heavier than you would find in normal menstruation, or if there is persistent pain, you should see a doctor to make sure no damage was done.

Now, let's try to straighten out a few facts. You have rightly chosen to follow God's will to forgo sex until marriage. However, you have excused incorrect behavior by narrowing your definition of what is sex to only if a man puts his penis in a woman. Yes, that is a major part of sex, but it is not the whole of sex. Sex also includes the foreplay that leads up to intercourse. That foreplay is essential because it gives the body time to prepare for intercourse. A woman's body needs 10 to 20 minutes to prepare for intercourse. Therefore, what you have been doing is the first stages of sex. You haven't completed sex, but you have definitely started it.

The problem is that, as with most sins, there is a progression. We excuse our behavior because "nothing bad has happened yet;" by this people mean that he hasn't put his penis in, or that he hasn't ejaculated inside, or that she hasn't gotten pregnant -- all depending on how far a person is willing to excuse their behavior. You see, if you are willing to let a man put his hands where they don't belong, what is going to stop the two of you from going a bit farther next time? If each time you go just a little bit farther, logic says eventually you will be engaging in full intercourse.

Next, let's take a look at what God has said about your behavior. "Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband" (I Corinthians 7:1-2). By "touch" Paul is not saying a man and woman cannot hold hands or give a chaste "goodnight" kiss, he is stating the men and woman should not touch each other in sexual ways. It is a phrase found several times in the Old Testament:

"But Abimelech had not come near her; and he said, "Lord, will You slay a righteous nation also?" (Genesis 20:4).

"So is he who goes in to his neighbor's wife; whoever touches her shall not be innocent" (Proverbs 6:29).

The fact of the matter is that you have been engaged in sexual touch. While it hasn't yet reached full sexual intercourse, it is still a sin because it is taking place outside of marriage. Put it in another context and you will probably agree. Just imagine that five years from now you marry this man and one day you walk in and find his hands in another woman's private area, would you accept his plea, "But honey, nothing really happened!"? I can't imagine any sane woman accepting this situation, so what is the problem?

Sexual touch isn't independent of sexual thought and feelings. It inflames sexual desire. "Beloved, I beg you as sojourners and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts which war against the soul" (I Peter 2:11). Those engaged in sexual touch are thinking about sex, but not in the context of marriage. The thought of committing a sin is equivalent to the actual commitment. "But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28). Your boyfriend may not have gotten his penis into you yet, but I guarantee that he has been thinking about it. What he is engaged in doing is reducing your will to resist when he decides to go all the way. As I said, it is a progression. "You've gone this far, going a little bit farther is no different." By providing sexual stimulation, he is building your emotional response to go along with him and away from righteousness.

"For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one should take advantage of and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also forewarned you and testified" (I Thessalonians 4:3-6). Through passion and lust, this man is taking advantage of you. He is certainly not treating you with honor or dignity. He may claim to love you, but all he really loves is the sexual excitement you bring to him. "Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth" (I Corinthians 13:4-6). My dear, this man does not truly love you.

Dump the cad and find a man worthy of you and your calling to live as God wants both of you to live. Think about it, if he is willing to do this to you outside of marriage, what will stop him from doing it to another after marriage? Obviously marriage vows do not impress him.

Are you still a virgin? The English definition of the word is "a person who has never had sex." As I mentioned earlier, for some that means never having a man's penis in your vagina, but technically you have already started down the road. How far down it must you walk and still be able to say you haven't walked that path? The reality is does it matter? "For He who said, "Do not commit adultery," also said, "Do not murder." Now if you do not commit adultery, but you do murder, you have become a transgressor of the law. So speak and so do as those who will be judged by the law of liberty" (James 2:11-12). Just because you can state you haven't committed one type of sin, it doesn't mean that no sin has been committed. You need to make amends with God. He will forgive you. "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (I John 1:9). You've made a grave error. Don't compound it. Acknowledge it and run in the other direction back to your loving Father.