Question:

My ex-boyfriend told me, when I shared with him that it hurt my feelings he was using pornography, "Well, good ridence to a woman like that!  Everybody does it!  Guys use it to get off."  He would also say things like, "It took me two years to get over Asian skin."

I got out of the relationship, but there are icky feelings and thoughts that still linger.  He left a cruel voice message telling me I was a "fake Christian who lives in a reality that is distorted."  Do you think that pornography can actually change how a man thinks in general?  Do you think the enemy can get in and twist his thinking so that he no longer can even see truth?


Answer:

Yes, pornography changes the way a person thinks. All sin alters the way a person looks at the world. Paul warned Timothy, "But evil men and impostors will grow worse and worse, deceiving and being deceived" (II Timothy 3:13). People who convince themselves that their "little" sin is not so bad have removed the roadblocks in their soul against further bad behavior. Their conscious no longer bothers them. "Now the Spirit expressly says that in latter times some will depart from the faith, giving heed to deceiving spirits and doctrines of demons, speaking lies in hypocrisy, having their own conscience seared with a hot iron" (I Timothy 4:1-2).

The problem with sin is that those who practice sin are deceived by what they do. "And for this reason God will send them strong delusion, that they should believe the lie, that they all may be condemned who did not believe the truth but had pleasure in unrighteousness" (II Thessalonians 2:11-12). A person who does not love truth will believe anything that they want to hear. Nor can they recognize good. "To the pure all things are pure, but to those who are defiled and unbelieving nothing is pure; but even their mind and conscience are defiled. They profess to know God, but in works they deny Him, being abominable, disobedient, and disqualified for every good work" (Titus 1:15-16). We sometimes talk about people with rose-colored glasses; the eternal optimists who only manage to see the good in other people. Yet the opposite is also true. People who are given over to sin are blinded to the truth and believe everyone else is just as wicked as they are.

Your ex-boyfriend wrong when he said that everyone uses pornography. I can prove this by common logic. If everyone accepts pornography, then why are there laws against the free access to pornography? If worldly society understand that there is harm in pornography, then why does this man think he is unaffected?

However, I must mention that you went the wrong direction in how you told your ex-boyfriend that you didn't like his use of pornography. Your feelings on the use of pornography doesn't matter. Feelings can be deceiptive. You once had feelings for this man, but you learned that he wasn't worth keeping. If you were like most, you probably kept up the relationship for a while after learning he was involved in pornography. Because of your feelings you probably tried to say it wasn't so bad, but eventually reality set in. The reason pornography is wrong is not because you don't like it, or that women don't like it, or any other group doesn't like it. Pornography is wrong because God said it is a sin. "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God" (II Thessalonians 4:3-5). "Passion of lust" refers to things that arouse unlawful sexual desires (i.e. pornography).

The "icky feelings" will go away when you realize that the fault lies with him. You cannot continue carrying feelings of guilt over another person's sins, even when those sins had been directed at you. You did not cause him to seek out pornography. Nor is the opinion of a person wallowing in sin worthy of consideration. That is why Jesus warned us to be careful about making judgments. "For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?" (Matthew 7:2-3). Your ex-boyfriend is trying to make himself feel less guilty by saying that his sins are no worse than your sins. The fault in the logic is that all sins are bad. He wants to justify staying in sin; you want to leave sin behind -- that makes a big difference.

Thank the Lord that you found out about his sins before you made a life-long commitment to him in marriage. Learn the lesson and be more discriminating in selecting your next boyfriend. There are good men out in the world.

January 22, 2011